needing.

hey guys.

it's late, like.. 1:15ish, and i just can't sleep.  i don't know what's going on, my internal clock must be out of batteries or something, but i'm just lying awake here, going through every thought that pops into my head with so much detail and scrutiny that i literally cannot stop thinking.

so, once again, i have no idea what i want to write about.  so here comes one of my famous "from thin air" posts.

i don't know, i guess the thoughts i really have on my mind are my inability to "go and do (you're welcome, LDS people)"  it seems like i just cannot stand up for myself, i can't do anything i want or say anything i want because i'm always worried about the outcome: what exactly are the reprocussions going to be?  i guess i'm just really really worried about rejection.  and i always have been; for example i had to ask at least three other people if my very first girlfriend liked me before i tried to hold her hand or anything.  it's just always something that i've lived with and i guess is who i am.  but now, since i'm a big boy adult that should demand to have things his way, i'm getting in trouble for not doing those things.  there's so many questions that need asking right now, there's so many things that i really need resolved in order to move on and i just can't.  because deep down, i think that i think of myself as worthless.  good for nothing.  and i really don't know why.  it's even weird typing this, because that's the first time i've thought of this this way, but i guess it's true.  i think that i've been kicked around a couple of times and i'm letting it hold me back from what needs to be said.  and maybe part of it is that i have so much to lose, that my ego has been bruised (barely) and i don't want that to happen again.  i don't know!  it's just... a weird thought that came across my head today.

so i guess what i need to do is realize how stupid these thoughts are and grow a pair.  take what i want.  because that's really what's best for me!...

right?

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

music.

hey guys, i posted three new songs on my Facebook/ Reverbnation page that i'm really proud of!  if you would, could you take a little time and listen to them, then let me know what you think?  i'd really love feedback, be it good or bad!  thank you, i love you all!

-michael howell.

p.s. here's the link to my facebook page:

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Drifting-Down/165192860170347?sk=app_2405167945

update.

hey guys.

i haven't posted any kind of actual writing lately, just kinda thoughts that i've been having, so i guess i'll just take some time and tell you guys what's going on in my life right now!  ready?  drum roll please.... drrrrr.....

NOTHING!! 

which may sound no bueno, but i'm actually glad it's happened.  i don't know, i'm not really one to need to hang out with anyone to enjoy myself or have a fulfilled day, so while i miss my friends terribly, i know i'll see them again soon and i've been enjoying my alone time in the process.

that being said, i really do want to see everybody again, soon.  it's been far too long since we ALL went to Applebees and played bingo, just saying. ;)

anyways, besides that, school's finally over, and i have one final to look forward to.  i'm pretty sure i'll be fine, it seems to be a fairly easy one, so yay!

and lastly, i've been writing alot.  wether it be music or literature, i've just been constantly writing.  i don't know if you guys have seen my acoustic project's facebook page, but just search Drifting Down on facebook and you should see it!  anyways, i've been doing alot of writing for that and i hope to have both an album and a book done by next summer!  get excited!

i guess the one thing i would like to change in my life now is how little change actually happens.  it's just been the same routine for basically the entire semester, and i'd like to get out there and do something different.  i guess i do miss my friends, because i never knew what was going to happen when i was with them, which was exciting!  but i'd really, in my heart of hearts, love to just move away.  like, out of state away.  i'm looking into it, checking money, and i'm hoping to do it soon!

so yeah, there's a little update!  thank you, i love you all!

-michael howell.

i can't.

i wish i could say life is perfect
but it's not
i wish i could say that i'm always happy, always smiling,
but i'm not.
i wish i could tell you i never live in the past,
but i can't.
i wish i could act the way you all want me to
but i can't.
i wish i knew the right words to say
but i don't.
i wish i had everything everyone ever needed from me
but i don't.
i wish i could just forget all this, move on
but i can't.

ladies.

women, you make me depressed.

why would you settle for some shmuck?  some guy who doesn't treat you right, creeps all over you, and makes you feel miserable?  i don't understand it.  i really don't.  and it's kinda frustrating for the nice guys out there.  just saying..

that's all i have to say today.  haha thank you, i love you all!

-michael howell.

we're back.

Echoed Illusions is back and doing better than ever!

we just had our first band practice in a little over six months, and i have to say, i REALLY like the sound we're going for now.  i'm excited to keep writing and get our old bassist back!

Joel, hurry home, me, Matt, and Dylyn has a present for you!

-michael howell.

to the choir.

for those of you who have noticed that my last post has been removed, i think you'll agree with me that it needed to go.  sometimes my mood swings can get me in a lot of trouble!

anyways, onto something better!  or at least a little less depressing!!

i'd like to take a second to desrcibe a conversation i had with a kid at my work today.  now we just hired this guy, and already he's been dubbed the nickname: "Bible Boy."  it's literally all he talks about.  and i fell into his trap.  when he asked me if i believed the Bible, i said, to an extent.  but i don't agree with some things churches do now-a-days.

now he literally won't stop talking to me.  it's constantly questioning my every belief in a very specific way, and when our beliefs don't match up perfectly, he makes sure i know that he thinks me wrong, giving me line after line of his preachings that his minister spouted to him the day before.  i'm pretty sure the brainwashing's complete.

not to say that believing the bible is bad, but at least PRETEND that you're coming up with this yourself, ok?  if i wanted to hear what your minister said about the subject, i'd go to your church.

anways, about today, i'm at my station, doing my work when i look up and see him making a bee line right at me.  i sigh and think here it comes...  he walks up to me and says: "so do you believe we come from monkeys?"  (i'd told him i believe in evolution before) and i said "yes, i do."  then he says "so you think humans came from bacteria, then fish, then monkeys?"  i responded "i don't know all the details, but yeah."  and he just looks at me, slowly shaking his head.  "i can't believe you believe we come from a big bang in the sky.  that's just crazy."  that's. just. crazy.  so i looked at him and asked him "well do you believe god created us then?"  he says yes, then i ask "how is that any crazier than believing we came from the big bang?"

and i'm just gonna leave it at that.  there was more to the conversation, about facts versus faith, but that's not really that important.  what's important here is that every belief system, every way of life, seems crazy to alot of people.  they become so rooted in their ways that they can't possibly see how anyone else could live a different way.  it even gets to the point of violence, and that just does not make sense to me.  i know i've said this before, but tolerance is the key to any kind of happiness in this life.  you have to accept people for what they are, not what you want them to be.  you need to see what's good about everyone, not what you think they're lacking.

that's it.  i hope it wasn't too preachy for anyone!  i'm sorry if i offended.

-michael howell.

i can't go home again.

I believed in the world right in front of me,
But now, along these empty streets
where this curse haunts these memories of a man,
And all he's lost.

No time to think about it. No room to breathe.

If I had a way back, I'd ride through the dark and the dawn
(but please don't wait for me)
because the man you love don't live anymore.
I can't go home again.

Tonight you'll sleep.
No fear of what might become of me, my dear.
Within these end of days where this longing turns
this man to prey on a love that yearns to die.

No time to live and doubt it
Girl, I'm worth the second chance. (What have I done?!)

No time to think about it, no room to breathe!

If I had a way back, I'd ride through the dark and the dawn
(but please don't wait for me)
because the man you love don't live anymore.
I can't go home again.

I believed in the world once in front of me, well now that's gone.

If I had the way back, I'd ride through the dark and the dawn
(but please don't wait for me)
because the man you love don't live anymore.
I can't go home again.

Bye, goodbye. Bye, my dear


-The Road and the Damned, Coheed and Cambria

eternal question.

i watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the first time today.  it's great, and i'd definitely recommend it to anyone that hasn't seen it, but it got me thinking.

the story chronicles Jim Carrey's characters decision to erase his girlfriend of one year completely from his memory.  so obviously the questions has to be asked:

would you erase someone from your memory?

i personally wouldn't ever, but i'm curious as to people's reasons for and against it.  so please, write your responses in the comments!  i'd love to hear from you guys!!

thank you, i love you all!

-michael howell.

My Review of M.

"When the Police in Germany are unable to catch a child-murderer, other criminals join the manhunt."



M was hit and miss for me, but overall I didn't really enjoy M. Maybe it was just because of the hot room, but I found myself falling asleep through most of it.

I think, as mentioned earlier, the use of camera angles and interlocking conversations was done really well, and honestly not something I was expecting from a movie made in the 1930's. I thought the writing and directing here was really great.

Also, as was said earlier, the acting was much better for me. It seemed less over the top and much more grounded and honest.

That's about where my enjoyment ended. Everything else felt sub par to me. I was disappointed at how soon the murderer's identity was given, it took away some the excitement and mystery from the story. Also, one of the reasons I enjoyed Metropolis was because of how good the settings and special effects were. M lacked those for me. I think the only good set in the movie was the office building where the murderer hid from everyone, and even that was nothing special. Lastly, I found the lack of soundtrack incredibly boring. I appreciate the whistling and tone changes the sound gave, but without any music I didn't feel the mood changes the director was going for. All in all the emotions and mood of the story seemed to stay at one level, and I think music would've helped a great deal to add suspense and keep in involved.

So all in all, there were good points and bad points in this movie. I hope that future movies can hold my attention a little better.

-Michael Howell

forgetting and learning.

when you get down, when you think everything sucks and you can't get over what's wrong with you, you look to your friends for help.  they understand, right?  they can help you get through this crazy, messed up thing we call growing up because, hey, they're right with you, right?  they're going through the exact same things you are, right?  they know what to say that'll make everything better, right?

wrong.

the fact is none of us know how to live our lives.  we think we do, but in the end all these things like religion, school, philosiphy, music, art, sports, friends, family, they're all just things we try and fill our lives with so we can give it some kind of direction, or course if you will.

sorry about the random tangent, back on topic...

sometimes friends do know how to make things better.  sometimes.  but most of the time they're advice is this:

"hey, what's done is done.  you just gotta forget about it.  and hey, at least you're not dead, or like living in africa or whatever."

and for some reason, that doesn't really make me feel better.  should it?  i mean, just accepting when you screw up isn't a good thing at all, because you don't recognize it as a bad thing and therefore don't try and change that behavior later.  and at least i'm not dead or in africa?  really?  does that really make my problems seem less in my eyes?  no.  i get it, gaining perspective is a good thing sometimes.  but i choose to live through MY perspective, because that's the only way i know how to live.  i don't know.  i guess i wish i heard something else from my friends.  some of the best advice i've ever heard given was to Anthony Green, lead singer for Circa Survive, and it went kinda like this:

"dude, you NEED to go through this.  because it'll make you stronger."

i don't know, it's a good thought.  especially right now.  and i just hope i have people in my life that understand the difference between forgetting things and learning from them, and i hope they'll help me learn from them.

i'm not sad at all, just contemplating everything that's been going on recently.

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

metropolis

Hhey guys, so i'm starting an Intro to Film class, and i just watched my first movie, the black and white silent film called Metropolis.  i thought i'd find a summary of this movie (and all the other movies i watch) and post my review on here!  hope you enjoy them!

Summary:

In a futuristic city sharply divided between the working class and the city planners, the son of the city's mastermind falls in love with a working class prophet who predicts the coming of a savior to mediate their differences.

***********************

Metropolis was an interesting movie for me. I've taken a couple other film classes and seen a couple other silent movies, but never one this long and this complex. I was actually surprised at how much I liked it. Apart from a few plot points I couldn't really follow I thought Metropolis had an engaging storyline and characters to follow. I thought the sets were really cool and the concept intriguing. The story arc was set up in such a way as to keep the entire audience engaged and trying to figure out what would come next. I think the only thing I had a small problem with was side plots that never really got resolved. I never understood who Hel was and didn't understand why we never saw worker 11811 again... but all in all I thought Metropolis was a good movie and I'm glad we watched it!

thank you, i love you all!

-michael howell.

ruined.

i really hope this post doesn't offend anyone that reads this... i really don't think it will, seeing as anyone this post is about probably doesn't read this blog in the first place... but i was just thinking about this today, and it's kind of funny, so why not?

also, if my ex's do read this, absolutely no hard feelings.  i'm totally cool doing this stuff, don't think i hate you at all!

also also, taking all the dirty things out there, i know for a fact my mom reads these...

THINGS MY EX GIRLFRIENDS HAVE RUINED FOR ME:

- my birthday

- taylor swift

- pet names

- new year's eve

- 24th of july

- the trail behind my house

- the smell of burnt hair, either from a straightening iron on their hair or a lighter on mine

- doing voices for certain characters while reading something

- aqua di gio (or however you spell it)

- the bachelorette

- duets

- the movie dear john

- bridal magazines

- making things out of play doh

- fat jokes

- walking into an arctic circle

- walking into a hires big h

- and a couple songs of mine.



another possible title to this post:

NOSTALGIA:
NO ONE CARES.

thank you, i love you all!

-michael howell

runnin, runnin.

fact:  the average person has 14 conversations with themselves per minute.

fact:  i have about 100 conversations with myself per minute.

my mind seems to be going at a million miles an hour right now.  i don't know what to say or how i feel.  i feel like the more i try and wrestle my life into submission, the more it kicks and screams and wiggles away from me.  i don't know.  maybe that's what life is, just getting a thing or two accomplished while all the struggles and problems of life take a second to breathe before twitching out from under you again.  all i know is i really don't have enough time in the day anymore.  i'm afraid of what that's like.  but, i have to grow up sometime.

i freak myself out sometimes.

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

veni.vidi.vici.

i thought that becoming busy and running out of time in the day would make me happy. 

it didn't.  it just distracted me.  temporarily.

i have a sick feeling in my stomach that i've already found what makes me happy and i'm ignoring it.  people always say to me that going back there would be a bad decision, there's not enough money to go, there's bad memories and bad people and a loneliness there that destroyed you in the first place.  why would you ever want to go back to that place?  why would you ever want to return to Wyoming?

i've been thinking about that a lot lately.  i really do miss it up there.  i love the cold, i love theater, i love the tight knits people get themselves into up there...  i don't know.  i just know that even through all the shit that was going on within myself while i was there... i was enjoying myself.  i loved being there.

and maybe i just miss being in school.  not living at my parents house, being responsible for eating, sleeping, doing homework, my social life.  but most of all being my own person.  i didn't have to worry about offending my family or hurting anyone up there, because everyone else was in the same boat and they understood.  it was great being away from everybody and just living.  being alive.

but i think a lot of the reason is that i failed up there.  i failed.  and i can't believe it, i refuse to accept that.  i want to go back and prove to everyone that i can do it.

so i don't know.

all i know is that i really wanna go back.  and maybe i will.  or maybe this will play out like every other thought on my future:  i'll think about it and be really excited for about a week then i move on to the next thought.

wyoming, i miss you.

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

scavenger hunt.

i'm kinda missing the words today... i don't know how to put into words exactly what i'm feeling about anything right now.  if you're really curious, go on an adventure for me, ok?  look up these songs:

Here We Are, Juggernaut - Coheed and Cambria

As Long As it Takes - The Spill Canvas

istillfeelher, Pt. 3 - Johnny Craig

I Keep My Secrets Safe - Saosin

New Eyes - Cahill

AND IF YOU'RE NOT COMPLETELY CONFUSED:

Get it Faster - Jimmy Eat World

Just One - Hoobastank

Heads or Tails?  Real or Not.  - Emarosa

23 - Echoed Illusions*

Products of Poverty - Craig Owens

Downtown Song - Anberlin



all great songs!  good luck!

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

* :)

thoughts on 3 video games.

my thoughts on the three video games i've been playing recently:

Gears of War 2:  "i don't see what all the fuss is about"

Red Dead Redemption:  "i don't see what all the fuss is about"

Portal 2:  "oh, NOW i see what all the fuss is about!!!"

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

so my cousin just started this fruit diet... for the entire month he's going to drink fruit juices.  and that's it.

and i'm going to do it with him!

i figured, i wanna lose weight, right?  even if it kills me.

which it probably will.

i'll keep you posted!  :)

-michael howell.

art/matter

i just read a line from my friend Dylan's latest blog entry, and it went like this:

"It requires no great talent to throw words on paper."


and i absolutely agree.  it doesn't take talent to write something down and pretend its art. 
 
but what's hard is throwing some words down on a piece of paper and making them mean something to you.  harder yet, making those words mean something to someone else.  that's where the art is.  that's where the beauty is.  because it's almost like it never happened if no one notices it.
 
if a tree falls in a forest with no one to see or hear it, did it even fall?  did it exist in the first place?
 
are the souless words you wrote down art?  i would argue they're not.
 
wow.  this was a crazy scatter brained post.  reviewing this... i think what i'm trying to say is...
 
devote your life to something that matters.  try and be a change for good in the world.  and, just as important, show someone else that what they're doing is important.  cause in that moment you truly make them come alive.
 
thank you, i love you all.
 
-michael howell.

look out, world.

ok.  i'm done.  i promise.

i'm ready to finally take control of my life.  starting today, i will keep my emotions in check.  i will go to school and get a degree in english so i can become a high school teacher.  i will work out every day and try and start eating better (notice i used the word TRY...)

because i'm just done with having no control over the man i'm becoming.

and i think the best way for me to get control of my life is going back to school.  because there's nothing more valuable than a college degree, in my humble opinion.  i'm not saying it guarantees you a job, but it sure as hell helps!

and i don't know if english is really what i want to do with my life.  i might just decide tomorrow that i want to go back into theater.  to be honest, that idea does sounds pretty enticing. 

but i know i at least need to be in school.  i need something to work toward.  i need something to put my heart and soul into.   i need something to be proud of again.

LOOK OUT, WORLD.



thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

i wish i knew

how to take control of my life.



-michael howell.

they say that time heals all wounds.

i disagree.

in my expierence, time makes most wounds go deeper.

-michael howell.

last day

it is our last day in Hawaii today, and that's probably why everyone's still asleep.  it's either in anticipation of the plane ride home (we leave at about 5:30 Hawaii and land at about 10:30 AM Utah time), or it's because no one really wants to leave this place.  i mean i would gladly stay another week, or month, or the rest of my life.  really.

there's a certain romantic draw to the life of a hippie here.  growing beards, getting tattoos, waiting tables and writing poems, or taking pictures, or blowing glass, something artistic that could capture a little bit of the magic of this place.

this is starting to sound alot like a commercial for Hawaii real estate... sorry.

well, if you can't tell, i would count this trip a success.  we had some great expriences, some great souvienirs, and some great memories.

and i can't wait to come back.  whenever that may be.

*

at the same time, i really miss everyone at home alot.  i didn't realize how much these people mean to me until i was away from them.  (that sounds familiar)

i seriously called my mom every night trying desperately to talk to her on the phone.  i wish she (and my whole family) could have been here to see these sights with me, i know they would've all loved it.

and i wish my friends were here too.  all of them.  not to say that i didn't love chilling with Patrick here, but i just wish i could have shared some of these expierences with them, and i think we could have used talking to each other this week.  but i'm not complaining about this trip.  not a bit.

i guess we all wish we could share our lives with the people we love the most.  and i think that's all i'm saying here.

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

day 3 and 4!!

i'm very sorry i didn't update yesterday or the day before that, it's just been a very long and enjoyable couple of days that i didn't have time to put all my pictures up!

so these last couple of days have just been amazing.  i could write a novel about how great this trip is and everything, but i won't because i feel like both of us would get bored with that.  so i think i'll just put up some pictures and write maybe a couple sentences for them, and then... who knows?

sunday was what we called the "culture day."  we went to a farmers market, the L and L Drive Inn (basically the Hawaiian Arctic Circle... just a big local food chain), and we finally went to a big ol' artists farmer's market, just an entire street full of artist's tents, from paintings to glassword to woodwork to candles to soaps... amazing.  i bought myeself a couple of souvenirs... plus my mom's birthday present!  but don't tell her!

here's a couple pictures:

 the farmer's market... local fruit, coffee, and even a guy that made spear heads!  Turns any broom into a "menacing weapon that you can carry on the bus!" 

 a street performer at the artist's market.  played a ukelele and a guitar pretty much simultaneously.  also, the fingernails on his right hand were like three inches long!

 the beautiful sunset at the harbor... the inspiration for my poems Thought and Water and The Lost One... you can check them out in my notes on my facebook page!

a run down building on the harbor, where i sat and watched the sunset.  you can see someone wrote "work in progress" in the bottom right corner... i love that. 

 a local photographer, taking pictures of the sunset... i really hope she didn't mind me taking her picture!

 best pizza i've ever had!  definitely go here if you come over to Hawaii!

a turtle we saw in the bay.  i've seen like five on this trip, that's... five times more than i've ever seen in the wild!

anyways, day 2 took us to the other side of the island to Hilo.  we visited a couple of really cool places and went to a GREAT breakfast places called Ken's house of pancakes.  ah, so so good...  but i think the best prize of the day was the six mile hike into the crater of an active volcano!  there was a big valley, about a mile or two wide and about 200 feet deep of volcanic rock.  it was amazing to see the steam vents and the plants growing there.  i didn't think either should be possible!  i guess you'll see from the pictures:

 the waterfall that we visited... i can't remember the name, but it was amazing.  it was just exactly like a rainforest in the park, then this waterfall.... it was so beautiful.

 just a nautre shot i like

 the lava tunnels, where giant rivers of lava burned tunnels underground!

 how is the plant living in the lava rock?!?  it shouldn't be.  it's amazing!

the steam vents.  awesome.



all i know is that i never want to leave.  i feel like i was born to live here.  it really is paradise, and i can't wait for the rest of my trip.  it's like my spirit is here, along with all my art and inspriation, and i'm here to find it.

(wow, that sounded really hippie-esque.)

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

Hawaii, day 2.

day 2 in Hawaii is coming to a close.  fans are rotating all over the place, i either have a dehydration or a lack of caffine headache.  the smell of spagetti be prepared is coming from downstairs.  and i'm so happy.  this vacation has been AMAZING so far.  if you don't mind, i'm going to brag a little bit, ok?  don't worry, there'll be pictures!

first of all, packed our boogie boards and went to Hapuna beach.  one of the most amazing beaches ever.  it wasn't too crowded, the sun was shining, and the water's temprature was perfect.  the waves were PERFECT for boogie boarding, but Patrick and i did get slammed to the bottom of the ocean a couple times!  pristine.  here's a couple of pictures:

(kidding, but wouldn't that be awesome?)

anyways, after that we grabbed some lunch (best fish and chips ever) and stopped in a little town called Hawi.  or, as i like to call it, my future home.  the town probably had about 100 people in it, and the town was basically just a block of little shops, from ice cream shops to art galleries.  it was basically a hippie town.  seriously.  local art was hanging in every shop.  one lady at the art gallery kept talking to us about how the art "felt" and how it "spoke to her" and all that jazz... just an amazing town.  i really REALLY wanna live there when i grow up.  i told Patrick that'd i'd bus tables for the rest of my life if i could just live there.  and i meant it.  i got a couple photos here, but none of the art... i didn't think it'd be appropriate.  here you go!

and... saving the best for last... this:

a black sand beach, and seriously, the most beautiful place i've ever seen.  words can't really describe this place or how i felt, just... wow.  i was completely amazed and introverted about that whole expierence, but it was seriously just... incredible.  i've never felt so peaceful and beautiful there.  like everything in the world was going to be alright.  like i could do anything i want in life.  i could accomplish so much.  i would STRONGLY urge anyone who's anyone to go there.  bring a notepad and just write down your thoughts.  i know this is going to sound really hippie-esque, but there's an energy there that's just so inspiring.  i swear, any poet ever needs to go there.  here's some more pictures:

oh, also, here's the poem i wrote on the black sand beach.  it's called:

Sun Colored Lens

There's a tortured consistency here
waves pounding on rock and sand
like battering rams locked in a timeless struggle
with the rocks.
Where the white caps rip at the coast
with no certain reason
but because they're supposed to.

Words become lost here
hours turn into minutes and
days turn in to centuries and no one
cay really seem to place exactly where
these waves came from
or why they do what they do.
All they know is they come
and are among a select few of
constants in life.  Words lose meaning
and voices lose volume here.

And there truly is no sentence
for this place.  No way to describe
what this beach will have to go
through.  And yet I know the black
sands here don't wish for any other
existence.  Because as it is shaped by the waves,
the beach knows it shapes
the men and women who come there
and for a brief moment shines the
world in a sun - colored
lens.


thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

amazed.

greetings from Hawaii!!

the temprature here is about 80 degrees, there's a south west breeze of about 6 mph, it is PLENTY humid... and for once in a long while i'm feeling good!

i don't know what it is about Hawaii, or the beach, or whatever, but i just feel so at home here.  so peaceful.  like... there's something bigger going on than all my petty problems and stuff.  like everything i'm doing is right.  i already wish i didn't have to go back to Utah.  although i do miss everyone dearly already.

hopefully i'll have some pictures for you on here like tomorrow or something, but unfortunatley the only camera i have is my iphone and i'm not sure if i can get pictures from my phone to this blog... i guess we'll find out!

for some reason, this trip so far (the airplane ride, going to the store, and eating dinner) has already been a very contemplative trip.  i'm just amazed at the world right now.  i'm not sure if i mean that in a good or bad way, but i am.  i'm amazed that people can be so nice and supportive to people they happen to sit by on the plane.  i'm amazed that random people can strike up a conversation with someone that probably looks like they don't wanna talk to anyone at all.  i'm amazed how hateful people can be of a belief system that practically mirrors theirs.  i'm amazed that people can think they're right in completely throwing away proven scientific facts.  i'm amazed that people love me enough to text me when they know i won't text back.  i'm amazed that people trust me so much.  i'm just... amazed at the world right now.

i stared at the sunset over the Pacific Ocean and thought to myself

"i feel infinite"

thank you, Stephen Chbosky



and thank YOU, i love you all.

-michael howell.

wallflower.

i'm becoming a sleeper.

i'm becoming a wallflower.

and i don't know if i care or not, cause because being a wallflower means

you'll never get hurt.



thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

summer.

i'm sick of everything i say on this blog being so negative and ugly. i really hope that you readers understand that i'm not a crazy depressed lunatic, but that i'm just trying to make sense of what's bothering me at any specific moment and put it into words, so i can deal with it.

and i guess that's what this post is about. cause sometimes i feel like people think i'm more depressed than i really am.

a post secret last week said it best:

 

cause i do have an amazing life. and i'm sick of feeling bad about things that i cannot control.

it's like i've turned into this depressed machine that spits all my bad thoughts and feeling out and keeps my good feelings in.  it makes me wear a jaded mask of all the bad things in my life and makes me more cynical and... douchey on the surface.  well no longer!  i will be happy with my life from now on.  i will smile and be happy and funny and caring.  because that is who i really am.  i really don't have anything i should be depressed about, so why bother feeling that way?  life is good.  and besides...

mistakes are in the past.

expierences are in the future.

not the other way around.



thank you, i love you all

-michael howell.

misleading.

it's just one of those days.

where everything reminds me of you.

i don't know what's worse, being the one with the broken heart or being the person that breaks hearts.

and i guess i don't know why or how we stopped loving each other...

all i know is i cried today. not because i miss you, not because i'm mad at you for anything. you know i forgive you.

maybe i cried because i know i'll never have someone as good as you again.



thank you for giving me all the time we had. being with you was the best decision i ever made. i'll always love you.

-michael howell.

the word no one wants to hear.

i've started this post about 50 times now and i can't think of how i'm going to say what i want to say without making things worse for everyone.

i wish i didn't have to save face in front of certain people.

but now that i think about it, why should i even try to save face? it's not like they'll ever read this blog, and even if they did i don't think they'd know i'm talking about them. and if they did, screw them

it's their fault in the first place.

so i'm just gonna say it, ready?

I FORGIVE YOU.

now you're probably wondering why that's such a bad thing to say to these certain people. well, you see, in this case, i'm about 95% sure these people don't feel like they need forgiveness.

they feel like I'M THE ONE AT FAULT.

but i'm not.
it's you.
i forgive you.
a million times, i forgive you.
deal with it.

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

i'm just wondering



does anyone ever read this anymore?

do i even know what the word "love" means?

does anyone?

would people still think me funny if i pulled a star out of the sky and gave it to them?

are people putting up walls around me, or am i doing it myself?

do i need to bury the past or remember it?

does anyone genuinely care about anyone, or is everyone out for themselves?



and such thoughts.

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

lifeboats.

i'm so exhausted right now.

mentally and physically. for some reason, i've been having problems dealing with... life lately. like everything in life is a do-or-die situation, and instead of tackling my problems and wrestling them to the ground, i've just shied away from everything.

maybe i'm scared. i think that's what happened in wyoming a couple years ago. there was too much going on that i just didn't try. at all.

and that scares me, cause i was in a really bad place back then.

but this time it's different. in wyoming i was literally cut off from everyone. my girlfriend left me, my friends going to school with me wouldn't talk to me, and i just didn't really feel like i had anything to live for.

now, however, i have people in my life. friends, family, even ex girlfriends that all buoy me up on their shoulders and let me smile and relax and remind me that life is good.

because of the people in it.

and i guess what i'm trying to say with all this is, yeah, i'm not in the best of places right now. i can feel life's waves tossing and turning over me, sometimes i can hardly breathe.

but i know i have people in lifeboats looking for me. willing to pull me up and wrap me in a blanket and tell me everything's ok.

and that's what makes life worth living right now.

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

i'm coming home

for anyone who didn't get this on facebook, i wrote a new poem!

this one's called:

I'm Coming Home

Oh, hello, old house
I'm coming home again

Stepping out of my car
and onto the curb
brings back floods of memories
that rush like a river down my
throat and leave
an uncomfortable lake to
roll around in my stomach

Everything's exactly as I left it.

The door's broken, still,
I had bent the know from the inside,
trying so hard to break it off.

To either escape or trap myself forever
I'm not sure.

The hallway's as dark as
ever, extending well beyond the
light or my eyes can imagine
It's amazing how the hallway
seems untouched,
it still smells of paint
and cheap alcohol,
yet there's not an inch of
dust anywhere,
as if people have never
really stopped walking down the
hallway.

I open the first door on my right,
and the smell clubs in the head.
A mix of blood, sweat, tears and
paint. Paint most of all
So much paint I can't breathe
So much paint not an inch of the
white walls are visible. Canvases
hang from the ceiling in solid colors
No real images anywhere.

Most are tattered and wrinkled
Only the black and most dark survive

There's a depth there I can't even
comprehend.

Next room I go to is a furnace.
So hot and so loud
I can't decide whether to plug
my ears or wipe
my sweat stained brow.
In the midst of the fire
lies a wooden bench
How it hasn't
burned by now I guess
I'll never know.
I can remember this is the
room I stayed in
the most,
completely covering my body
in sweat,
beating my hands on the bench
until I had splinters in my
fingernails,
burning hair from every part of
my body
trying so desperately to spark myself
into something else.

Because maybe if I was different
I could leave this house.

Another door leads to
a room completely made of
glass. Hard, unbreakable glass
that overlooks a busy
city street.
I'd come here to watch people
react with one another in ways
I couldn't handle.
I'd just look at them
and they'd look back, concern
striking their face, knocking on
the glass and just looking. Nothing.

I would kiss the glass in front of them.
It was all I could give them.

The final room is where I set
my bag down. One where I
can relax. Not because I'm
happy, but maybe because I'm
comfortable. It's the room that
smells most like me. The room
my eyes are permanently adjusted to.
I know this room in the most
intimate way.
In it lies a bed with a wool blanket.
In front of the bed a white screen.
Projecting the movies I
wrote and starred in. The ones
about heartbreak. The one's I've
re-lived so many times I refuse to
beleive in anything else.

I close my eyes here
letting the smells and sights
and darkness enfold me like a blanket.
Behind me the movie screams two
lines:

"Is this the way it ends?
With my hands holding your broken heart?"

Slowly, but surely, i'm riding this wave back up to the top. i'm getting better. i really hope that something catches me when i hit the bottom next time.

thank you. i love you all.

michael howell.

i love people too much! and every single time i've been fucked over. i usually refrain from using profanities, but i'm so... mad, and frustrated, and sad and depressed right now to give a damn. i hate loving people so much, i can't stand getting hurt, and yet it seems like i don't know how to make a single thing work in my life. i've failed at EVERYTHING i've ever tried, i suck at this thing called life. i need to get away, i need to... join the military, or find a fucking commune and forget about who i was or why i've done all this dumb shit in my life! i don't think the people i love realize that every single "mistake" i've made to them or because of them was because i loved them so much i couldn't stand to hurt them. and i guess that doesn't cover the fact that what i've done was wrong. i don't ever wanna fall in love again, because the only thing that comes of it is two heartbroken souls. and memories i wish i never made, because they're what's eating me alive. fuck love. i'm sick of regretting.

if anyone's still reading this sad, depressing, fucked up blog, thank you. i love you.

-michael howell.

Catch 22

i don't know what to write about. surprised? no, because i start pretty much every entry on this blog this way.. i don't know.

i woke up today at like.. 7 p.m. and i was just really... sad today. i don't know why. well, i guess i do, i just try and pretend that i'm ok and that those things don't really depress me.i pretend i'm strong so my friends don't worry about me and so my parents don't worry about me, because no one wants to see someone they love sad. and i understand that. i just don't like having to lie to everyone about it. because there are things that are bugging me in my life, things that constantly weigh me down and make me depressed or sad or any other synonym of those words. and with my depression and everything, i'm finding it really hard to cope with some things. i don't wanna go into too much detail, cause i'm on the internet and everything, but i just... never feel good enough for anyone, and in the end they'll always abuse me and leave me for dead. and i go along with it, because i care too much about how they feel to stand up for myself and try and make myself happy. that's the catch 22, isn't it? making others happy is what makes me happy, even if making someone else happy makes me miserable. is that even a catch 22? or is it like a paradox or something? i guess it's really just sad.

please feel free to ignore this post, i just read it and i depress even myself, so i understand not paying attention to it.

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

the people in my life are amazing. why can't they see that? every second i have with them is a gift from them, not from me. i'm nothing. they deserve everything i can give and more. please, please know that everyone.

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

have you ever felt like nothing you do matters?

like you fight for what you believe in, you push and push, and kick and scream and write and everything else, but nothing's ever solved. there's no constant catharsis. you may affect change for a little bit or for something small, but ultimately nothing you ever do will solve anything?

i was feeling that today.

so i thought about the politicans out there, the leaders of the world, making laws, either good or bad, but (at least i think) they are trying to make the world a better place. and every piece of legislation, every ammendment, every debate, every letter sent between politicans are slowly but surely making a better tomorrow.

then i thought of the artists, the actors, the musicians, the poets, the photographers, the street artists, heck, even the street performers, who every day try and send messages to people. to try and show the world that there are things worth fighting for in the world and we need to be open to those and realize we CAN make a difference.

then there's entertainers, who do pretty much the same thing as artists, but i feel they like to focus on the last thing i mentioned, showing people that the world is a good place, and its worth fighting for. they like to make people laugh or be excited or give them enough confidence to try to do something amazing with their life.

then there's the most important part of all, the parents. they fight every single day for the world, in the form of helping their kids reach their full potential. showing them that success is possible and even within their grasp. they also fight through politics or neighborhood watches or school boards to make sure that their kids are coming into the best possible world they can.

so no matter who you are, a CEO, politician, aspiring musician or a stay at home mom, whatever you're doing is working. with so many people doing so many small things for the world we really can affect change for the better.

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

this blog sucks...

never thinking you're good enough sucks. always wanting more sucks. watching others and thinking there are so many people better, more suited than you sucks. looking in the mirror sucks. realizing you do this to yourself sucks. knowing that no matter what you do, someone will get hurt sucks. living with yourself sucks. realizing you're absolutely crazy for feeling this way sucks. self doubt sucks.

and now it's going to ruin things again. please, self doubt, do me a favor and go fuck yourself.

thank you, i love you all

-michael howell.

there's so much love in you.

you know, i feel really lucky right now. as i make new friends, go to new places, and grow as a person i think back on the places i've been in my life. junior high, high school, that one semester of college i did... it all becomes a picture perfect sunset over my horizon and i really cannot imagine having a better life than i do. yes, of course, there's always something more to shoot for, but i think that's part of what makes this life amazing. knowing that you still have so much you could accomplish or grow into... it's hard to put into words how i feel right now, but here's my attempt...

i'm so glad for all of you reading this. wether you live here, in wyoming, virginia, around the world, wherever, just know i support you fully in whatever you do and i'm so happy to see all of you smiling and accomplishing what you need to. and thank you for being so amazing to me. i feel like i let down so many people, and to think you all could forgive me enough to even read this blog is an amazing feeling. thank you all, you make me smile every single day. you, seriously, have saved my life. i owe every single day to you, and i hope someday i can return the favor.

i guess what i'm trying to say is, appreciate life. as much as you can. charge forward and reach for your goals, but make sure you enjoy the little moments in your life. there's so much love in the world, and there's so much love in you. you'd be crazy not to take a step back and appreciate it.

thank you, i love you all
-michael howell.

change is not a concept i like thinking about... and it's about to happen to me in a big way. so many things are coming up, it's actually quite daunting. and scary. but also exciting. and needed. i guess that makes everything ok then, right? at the least that thought will keep me going through this crazy sea we call life.

thank you, i love you all

michael howell.

Life...

i've realized that all my recents posts are really depressing... i swear i'm not such a downer all the time! i wonder why all my BAD thoughts END up here.

so here goes, a happy post. life is good. really good. i think we tend to forget all the blessings we have in our life. every friend, every smile, every HAPPY moment is all a gift from god, or the universe, whatever you choose to believe in. i'm so happy with who i am and who i have in my life. people can WONDER how your life may or may not be different, but to tell you the truth, i don't think i'd tempt fate by going back and changing a thing. so i just wanna SAY thank you all for being amazing parts of my life. i really appreciate all that life has given me, including you. just remember, life is GOOD.

thank you, i love you all

-michael howell.

gah! i hate this feeling. the feeling like you need to write something, or say something, anything to anyone, but for one reason or another your tongue is tied and the words are a hundred miles away, buried in the snow and spring sun.

today i've been thinking alot on the past (as I usually do). it's hard to think of the past in the right sense, in the sense of "this kinda sucked, i could have done this better, but now i know not to make that mistake in the future. it's hard because you look at your life as it is now and you can't help but think that if you could just go back and change whatever happened in the past it would make everything ok. and that's probably true. unfortunately, you can't, not now, not ever. i'll never be able to correct my mistakes. no matter how hard you may try, who you are in the past will not change. and that's not my depression talking, and i'm not sad or angry at all now, it's just the truth. and one of the hardest lessons i've ever learned. i still lose sleep over how many tears have been spilled because of my dumb actions. but even as i write this, and i think of everyone i've ever hurt or will ever hurt, i take comfort in knowing that no matter what happened i did what i thought was best. for me, for them, whoever, i tried my hardest to make everything alright and make everyone smile and be happy and feel some sense of love within them. because that's the best gift anyone could give i think.

still, i feel weighed down by all the hurt i've caused while trying to be the best i could be, and for that i apologize to everyone i've wronged. you didn't deserve to be hurt, and i didn't deserve to hurt you in the first place. i guess the simple tragedy of life is just that, as humans we never ever deserve to be close enough to someone to affect them, and ever second we do is a precious gift. and when we hurt them, take that gift they gave us and spit on it and walk away, we could never be more wrong.

wow, that took an unexpected dark turn. but then again, so do all my other posts. i guess it is expected by now. i hope though you can see the light in these, and if nothing else shine your light against my dark to make yours glow stronger. thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

my first kiss... and every other awkward one after that.

Did you know my first kiss was a dare? One of my first girlfriend's friends actually had to dare me to kiss her, and it was really awkward, they like... turned away while we kissed... and I'm pretty sure I missed. I can't remember for sure, but I think I got more upper lip than actual lips... So I'm sorry, my first girlfriend! (You know who you are!)

I think I've always just been bad at this whole love thing... I always look back on my old relationships and think "What the crap was I thinking??" haha. It's kinda fun, I don't know... That was a really random post, I know, but yeah... I guess I'm just in a weird putting myself down crazy mindspace today. Thank you for pushing through to the end of this post, I love you all.

-Michael Howell

What "The Office" has taught me

You know what The Office has taught me (from yesterday's episode)? Enjoy the little things. Enjoy the people that come into your life. Even if those people may seem like awful people, there is always something good about them and about these small moments you expierence every day that can make your life worth living.

Michael Scott left Dunder Mifflin last night; tears, laughs, and sexual immuendos following him as a final salute to a character that I have come to love and connect with more than any other I can think of. When we first met Michael Scott he was an awkward, insulting, and even racist person that immediately rubbed us the wrong way. He was just... awful! There's no other word for it! But even as you saw him screw up in every way imagineable you loved him. You could see through his escapades and tell that he really did care for everyone in the office on a very personal level. And he grew throughout the seasons to become an amazing person. Which was awesome.

But I think we can see that in everyone that we meet. There's always something... amazing about people. And places. And random happenstances that we don't even enjoy in the beginning. So I've just been trying to appreciate people more. And appreciate life more. Because you'll never know when someone you care about will leave. I don't know, kind of a stretch, but that's ok :) Thank you, I love you all

-Michael Howell

I don't want to grow up. I remember when life was weightless, when you had one girl in your life, no exes, great friends, and a stage under your feet. It truly made me feel on the top of the world. Grades didn't matter, money, girls, nothing could really bring you down. But now, as my favorite movie, "It's Kind of a Funny Story" says (I'm paraphrasing):

"Girls, money, Politics, 9/11, they all hit at the same time"

Everything hit me at the same time, and I just couldn't handle it. And still sometimes I feel like I can't deal with what people throw at me. Maybe I care too much. Maybe I need to care about myself more. I don't know. I feel like a wallflower so much right now.
Thank you, I love you all

-Michael Howell

Lately, I've been listening to mid-tempo music through a window.

I love the rain. It's ususally my favorite kind of weather. But lately, I don't know... I'm feeling incredibly... Lonely?

I don't know if that's the right word, because I'm making new friends and connecting even stronger with old ones... My parents are actually happy around me, which is kind of a new thing... I don't know.

I have a friend, Sammy Smith (whose blog is at http://sammysweetheart.blogspot.com/). One of her posts was simply this:

i just want to be special to you
and I want to know it. I want to feel it too.

Which I thought was beautiful. Thank you Sammy. But I really think it what's been wrong with me over the last couple days. I just feel like sometimes I don't matter. That life will be the same for everone on the planet if I wasn't there. Stephen Christian, the singer for Anberlin said it best in his book, The Orphaned Anythings, when he said "I don't care that I'm going to die someday, it's the fact that no one's going to care that scares me." I think everyone on the planet wants to leave some kind of mark here, to be able to say "Look what I did, I made this little corner of the earth better." And when we don't feel like we're doing that, and we feel we've tried everything in our power to do that, we lose the will to live. And I think that's what happened to me. Not to say that I'm suicidal now, and I'm not searching for a sob story, it's just...

Maybe we forget how much people mean to us. And maybe we forget to tell them.

Thank you, I love you all.

-Michael Howell

Symbiosis

I was just thinking at work today about this news story I heard on the Colbert Report a long while ago...

It was about this parasitic fish living of the New Jersey coast that EATS THE TONGUES OF A FISH AND PROCEEDS TO LIVE INSIDE THE FISH'S MOUTH... Taking its share of all the food the fish eats. Its scientific name is Cymothoa exigua, but I just call it: "HOLY SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Truly, one of the most disgusting and horrifying things I've ever heard. I will never EVER swim in the Atlantic Ocean again!



Ugh.......

Anyways, after some research, I've also found some amazing examples of Symbiosis, where two animals benefit from the actions of each other. The most incredible to me is the Toothpick Bird, shown here:



This small bird actually goes inside the mouth of the crocodile it's "buddying up to" and eats the morsels of food between the crocodile's teeth! So both animals benefit from this odd relationship.

Anyways, the reason I'm bringing this up is I believe these two different relationships in nature is a perfect reflection on how our thoughts and our expierences can help or hurt us. Too often have I found myself questioning the past, thinking "Why did I do that?" or "Wow, I can't believe how stupid I was back then!" I get into these phases alot, and I always feel miserable and it always brings me to this low, dark place. It eats at me until it lives inside me.

But that's not the only thing that our memories and expierences can do for us. I believe we can learn from our mistakes and learn to live with them and actually better us! Like remembering the first time we burned ourselves, we now know we shouldn't put our hand on a hot stove. We can always keep these things in the back of our minds and let them cleanse us and help us become better people.

Thank you, I love you all.

-Michael Howell

The Life of a 8 year old Michael...

I've been having a weirld nostalgic day today. Not in my usual way, where I think back to High School, or my 'glory days' so to speak, but even further back, to my real glory days, where innocence and a surprising depth filled me. As I look back on it I realize that I never thought of myself as a "kid" back then, I never thought any thought of mine was childish or irrelevant (maybe that's why I like the book Ender's Game so much). Anyways, I've just been exploring those thoughts today and I thought I'd share with you some of my crazy random thoughts as a little kid!

1. I used to get MASSIVE ear infections as a kid, and I thought it was from water getting in my ears and sitting in there, causing an infection, so naturally I would cover my ears the entire time I was in the shower. It never worked.

2. I used to have a sandbox in my backyard, and I thought I could dig to china if I dug in just the right place. The strange thing is I always just found the bottom of the sandbox.

3. I always thought America was on the top of the world and China was on the bottom, therefore, Americans were standing on the top of the world and Chinese people were hanging off the bottom by their feet.

4. I never, ever thought about where babies come from. I guess I just assumed they came in the mail until fifth grade.

5. I thought the term "girlfriend" meant the term "crush," so I didn't even talk to my elementary school crush at all because I was afraid she'd turn into my friend instead of my girlfriend.

6. It made me sad the sun and moon hated each other so much they never hung out.

7. I thought armies fought with sword instead of guns until I played the first Medal of Honor game. In like... 7th grade... why am I telling you this?

8. You know how moth's eat clothes? Leaving giant holes in them? Well I got attacked by a moth when I was in like second grade, it just flew at my face and wouldn't stop, so I kept watching my eyelids for like a week after cause I was afraid the moth would leave holes in them.

9. (Warning: Racist) I thought that people with brown skin didn't live in the United States, that they flew to and from my school ever day to wherever they lived.

10. There were only about 12 basketball players: Michael Jordan and the enitre Utah Jazz team.

11. Karl Malone was called "The Mailman" because that was his day job
And the list goes on and on...

Thank you all, I love you! -Michael Howell

I would just like to take this time to apologize to my readers... I've been having a busy and crazy couple weeks emotionally and rather than posting my ususal blogs, I've been posting random depressing nonsenses. I apologize. In a return to form, I'd like to write about something that really means alot to me... Originality and passion (and the loss of it) in mainstream media. From news stories to movies to music, you see the same thing over and over again. You hear the same beat with the same four chords with the same trashy girl and creepy ghetto voice over and over again, and it just makes me sad to think our age will be remembered for Ke$ha and movies like Shrek, The (Fourth and) Final Chapter. It's not to say that no one has original ideas! Bands like Mumford and Sons and movies like Inception are rare gemstones in a sea of sand and mud that is entertainment. I just wonder... what happened? Why is it not relevant anymore? Did America really just say, eh, autotune sounds fine, whatever. But guess what? IT DOESN'T SOUND FINE! It sounds emotionless and boring! Bleh! Sorry for the rant, I'm tired and I can't think straight right now. I love you all. -Michael Howell

"As I live and breathe, You have killed me. You have killed me." -Morrisey Heartbreak is terrible, dangerous thing. And karma is as real as gravity or cause and effect. And I'm sorry so sorry for every heart I've ever broken. If it helps, I don't believe I'll ever be loved again.

I Need to Know.

Where's my happy ending?

REM's, Starcraft, and Jesus.

My dreams have been really interesting lately (at least to me).

I've been remembering my dreams every day for the past two weeks or so, and they all seem to have a similar theme. My dreams usually involve two groups of people: The group that has somehow wronged or condemned the other, and the group that is deeply affected by the first group's actions but loves them and forgives them for whatever they did. For example, my dream last night was about aliens (too much COD, Battle LA, and Starcraft I think). The aliens had driven mankind to the edge of extinction, planets had been destroyed and me along with fictional human and alien characters (that happen to look ALOT like the Protoss) await the final blow from the aliens to finally kill all of mankind. You'd think that myself and the humans would be really pissed at the aliens with us. Instead, mankind takes a high, more cliche filled route and forgives the aliens right before a giant laser shoots from a battlecruiser to wake me up. Incredibly nerdy, but it demonstrates the cartharses that run through my dreams lately.

You'd think I'd be happy with the theme of my dreams, but I'm not.

I usually disagree with them as I wake up, thinking the humans should have at least used ONE swear word or something! "Oh, yeah, we forgive you, but I still think you're a piece of shit!"

Or something to that affect.

Anyways, I'm just wondering what these dreams are supposed to tell me about my subconscious. Is my subconscious much more christlike then I believe? Or, and this is the theory that I believe, the one that scares me, is that it's showing me what I should be. What I can be. And when I return to myself in the morning, I automatically reject the charity and forgiveness I held so dear as a kid. I try very hard to be nice, to listen, to care, but it always seems to misfire and come back to hurt me. I know Karma is dead. I don't know. Sorry to ramble. But now you get a glimpse at my nerdy side and my lacking self confidence side. My treat ;) I love you all.

-Michael Howell

Moving On...

This week has brought some great changes to my life, and I'd just like to take a second and talk about them. I feel like I deserve to shout it from my blogging mountain top ;)

At the beginning of this week, I felt like I was going nowhere. I was stuck in a dead end job, all of my closest friends were out of the Salt Lake Valley, and I just felt like I had given up on living life. I felt like I was just going through the motions again, putting on a happy face so no one would bug me, and just keep going until I was kicked out of my house and faced with homelessness and starvation. So, not the best beginning of the week by any stretch of the imagination. Anyways, while I was at work on Tuesday, someone who I had worked with and I had come to love got laid off. Right then and there. She was a single mother of 2 that had no where else to turn, but she was laid off because she wasn't meeting the demanding schedule my bosses laid out for us. It got me thinking of the importance of having a stable job. I decided right then that I was not going to wait around for my turn to be laid off. I decided that I was going to dust off my dreams and goals from a couple years before and I was going to go back to school and receive my Bachelor's of Fine Arts in Musical Theater, with the eventual goal of becoming a high school drama teacher.

Why, you may ask? Well, if you'll allow me this tanget, theater is what defined my high school expierence. It gave me identity and something to look forward to every day of high school. I loved to perform and I had so many amazing opprotunities to do so. Plus, I don't know if I would've actually graduated high school unless Phaidra followed her rule on GPA and never let me fall underneath that, and for all that, I thank her so much. I wanted to do that for other kids.

The next four days were a desperate scramble to find exactly where I should go and how I'm going to pay for it, and to put it delicately, it's going to be one hell of a challenge. Dropping out of school costs alot, finanically as well as reputation and even self worth. But I haven't given up yet, I'm going to go back to school or die trying. I vowed to myself that I was not going to end up like the poor mother of two at my work, but that I was going to have a stable job and do what I love, teaching the art of theater to kids like me, that needed purpose in their life and turned to theater to find it.

I guess the whole point of all this is, people need to have purpose in their life, like what I found with theater in high school and throughout my college career. I've already felt the effects of having goals to work toward. I've been working out regularly for the past week and plan to AT LEAST until I go back to school, I've started making plans and not waiting till the last second to do so, and I just feel so much happier. Like I have a purpose. Which is the best feeling anyone can have. So, please, find some purpose in your own lives. Wether it be love, success, fame, whatever form that comes in, jump on the opprotunity to make a difference. It's the best thing anyone could do for themselves and others around them. Thank you so much, I love you all.

-Michael Howell

My Book

So I wanted to take a couple seconds and announce, officially, that I'm writing a book. I've wanted to write a book ever since my mom first read me Charlotte's Web, and now I'm finally doing it! It's still in it's infancy, I'm still in the process of finding out who my main character is and how exactly to go about writing my book, but I'm loving it so far!

As far as writing style goes, I just finished an AMAZING book called The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky (If you haven't read that book, PLEASE PLEASE do). Anyways, The Perks of Being a Wallflower was written as if the main character was writing letters to you, the reader, calling you friend and suggesting you are someone he trusts because "...she said you would listen and understand and didn't try and sleep with that person at that party even though you could have." I've found through my experiments that writing in this format is the easiest and most effective for me. It gives you a sense of purpose while at the same time creates an environment of pure voice and expression for me. I hope Mr. Chbosky doesn't mind me stealing his format ;)

The first letter is done, it just needs a couple tweaks here and there, but suffice it to say that the book is underway, and I couldn't be more excited about it. Thank you, I love you all

-Michael Howell

This is, quite possibly, the cheesiest short story ever to be written, but I really enjoyed reading it and reliving the memories it was based off. This story is based on an idea I heard about in Wyoming. People go to train tracks and place pennies on the tracks to be flattened but the trains as they pass by. If you find you penny after it shoots out from under the train, your wish will come true. Romantic, huh? If you're in the mood for a cheesy love story, read on!

LIVE FOREVER


The orange streetlights and the low hanging moon reflected the glassy train tracks as the couple slowly walked toward them. Their laughs echoed across each other and rose above the dark night sky. Off to the right a tunnel appeared through the rocky mountain, an orange beacon through the darkness. He smiled with her and pulled her close. Their footsteps crushed gravel underfoot.
“How many times have you been here?” she asked as she shivered slightly.
“I come here all the time. It’s not like there’s anything else to do in this town.” He replied with a small laugh. He pulled his right hand over his body and took hers, leaving his left arm around her shoulders.
“It’s really… peaceful here. Like I’m the only person on the planet. I can come here and be completely alone. That’s why I like it here,” said Daniel, the boy. He sighed and looked across the tracks into the street beyond the fence. The street glowed yellow.
The girl, Rachel, looked up at him, “How many other people have you taken here?”
“You’re the first,” he replied, “D’you feel lucky?” She stared deep into his eyes, filling them full of meaning, then she smiled a crooked smile and said, “Yes. I do.” Daniel laughed and kissed her. A sweet kiss, nothing but love. They kept walking and reached the train tracks. Daniel pulled away from Rachel and reached into his pocket.
“Are you ready for this?” he asked.
“Y…Yes?” she hesitated. Daniel pulled his hand from his pocket and opened it. In his hand lay two pennies.
“They’re wish pennies.” Daniel said, pushing his hand toward her.
“What do I do with them?” asked Rachel, confused.
“You wish with them, silly!” Daniel laughed “You put them on the tracks and make a wish as the train goes by. Then, if you find your penny, your wish comes true!” Rachel smiled. Daniel handed her one of the pennies and grabbed her hand, leading her across two of the four sets of tracks.
“Ok, we gotta wait here and see which tracks the train’s coming down, because honestly, the longer we stay here, the better chance we have of being arrested.”
“What?” Rachel exclaimed, “This is illegal?”
“I know, it’s insane.” Daniel agreed. Daniel sat down on the tracks, the cold steel chilling him. Rachel coughed. Daniel looked up and gave her a confused look. Rachel gestured to the tracks and coughed again.
“Oh!” Daniel laughed. He pulled off his jacket and laid it on the tracks at her feet. She laughed and curtsied at Daniel, then turned and sat on the tracks. She rested her head on her shoulder and sighed.
“What?” Daniel asked with a small smile. She turned her head and looked at him.
“Nothing. Nothing at all.” Daniel smiled and stuck an arm behind her back and looked out onto the abandoned buildings in front of them.
“This used to be the busiest strip around,” he said, “I guess this was a big attraction for locals. There was a movie theater and an ice cream parlor and everything! Now it’s so peaceful. Like the buildings one day all said ‘We’ve had enough!’ And no one came back.”
“Wouldn’t that be nice?” asked Rachel, “To tell the world ‘I’ve had enough!’ And just be done, live in happiness forever?”
“You have no idea,” answered Daniel. He sighed then starting humming. Rachel started singing along with him:
“Buffalo gal, can you come out tonight, can you come out tonight, can you come out tonight?” Daniel smiled and looked down at Rachel. She looked back, then reached down and grabbed his large rough hand and put her hand inside. It fit perfectly.
“Do you want the moon, Mary?” winked Daniel. Rachel smiled and teased him with a push of the shoulder. They sat, listening to the crickets and the lonely pigeons that lit up the night. Then moon overhead circled the earth, calming presence. Their heartbeat pulsed together, unknown even to them. Rachel shuffled closer. She fit perfectly under Daniel’s broad shoulder. She sighed again and looked up into Daniel’s eyes. Daniel laughed again.
“What is it?” he asked. She hesitated.
“Doesn’t this seem… almost too perfect?” she questioned, “Like, it’s so perfect it’ll never last? I mean, where’s the conflict? I know it’s hiding out there somewhere.” Daniel hesitated in turn, then asked her:
“Does there always have to be a conflict? I mean, I care about you, you care about me, isn’t that enough? I know this will last, Rachel. I love you, I will always love you. No matter how far away we are, whatever words I say, this perfect feeling will last. Because this story is already finished. We already resolved it.”
Rachel smiled. “I love you too. Forever. You’re perfect.” In the distance, a train whistle sounded. Daniel leapt to his feet, grabbing Rachel and pulling her up too.
“It’s coming, quick! We don’t want to miss it!” Rachel rolled the cool penny in her fingers once.
“What if I already have everything I want?” Rachel scoffed.
“I’m sure you can find something to wish about! Just think!” he winked. Rachel hesitated, then set her penny down determinedly. Daniel set his down and pulled Rachel away as the train grew louder in the distance. Another whistle sounded. The headlights on the train shouted its arrival to the couple.
“It’s gonna get real loud in a sec!” Daniel yelled over the dominating sound of the train.
“Really? I didn’t notice!” laughed Rachel. Daniel gave her a playful shove and turned toward the train as it raced by. With two small click’s! the pennies shot out from underneath the wheels of the train. The wind rushed around them, throwing their clothes in disarray over their bodies. Rachel shivered.
“You should have warned me about the freezing breeze!” Rachel shouted. Daniel smiled and mouthed the word ‘Sorry,’ then pulled her into an embrace. He ran his hands up and down her back for awhile, then his right hand reached up and cradled her head in his palm. He whispered in her ear, barely audible.
“What did you wish for?”
“I can’t tell you or it won’t come true,” she whispered back.
“I’ll tell you what I wished for if you tell me first,” he replied.
“Ok, if you insist,” she whispered sarcastically, “I wished… I wished I could be with you forever.” Daniel pulled her closer, tighter, sighing. He opened his mouth, then closed it, opened it once more.
“Me too.” The caboose of the train finally whizzed by and Daniel and Rachel were left in their embrace. Neither letting go. They held each other for a long time, making silent promises to each other through their touch.
“If only someone had a camera,” Rachel whispered shyly. Daniel laughed. He pulled away from the embrace and looked at her.
“You’re so beautiful,” he said. Rachel’s eyes started to tear up and she smiled. She could see the reflection of her tears in Daniel’s eyes as a single drop of water fell from Daniel’s eyes. He sniffled and wiped away the tear. Their love faded into the night, where they told the world ‘I’ve had enough! I want to live in happiness forever!’ Their laughs echoed off each other and faded into the buildings that surrounded the tracks. No need for conflict. The two were perfectly happy, perfectly resolved. They were with each other for the night, they laughed together forever. They both found their pennies.



Thanks for reading, I love you all!
-Michael Howell