Depression is not an easy thing to go through. Or talk about, for that matter, but I feel like now's a good time to do so. Depression is not just feeling really sad. Depression can come in many forms and many symptoms. Usually people with depression feel extreme sadness and emptiness throughout the day. Things that they used to love or enjoy now seem uninteresting. There are violent mood swings, they feel worthless, guilty, and empty. There are also physical symptoms of depression, such as rapid weight loss or gain, agitation, and fatigue. I tell you this because I've actually been diagnosed with depression. It's been something I've been having to live with for about a year now, and it's... not pleasant, to say the least. I felt like life wasn't really worth living. Unexplicably, I just felt empty. Worthless. It was a horrible time in my life. It's my hope that I can inspire my readers; either to understand exactly what someone with depression is really going through, or to help those suffering from depression. I've turned my life around. I'm taking medication, yes, but I believe that medication can only help so much. Depression is a mental illness, so you must use your mind to help overcome this dark and dangerous time in your life. Every day, I woke up and made a mental list of everything that made my life worth living that day, and whenever I would feel depressed I would focus on that list, and pretty soon the pain of depression lessened to a bearable extent. Yes, I do take medicine, and it has helped me leaps and bounds. I highly recommend using medication if you feel you need it. And lastly, I just wanted to say that what you're feeling when you're sad or empty or confused about anything, those feelings are a good thing. Without them, you couldn't expierence joy, and you couldn't be human. Feeling is what makes you, you. You're alive because you feel, and because you feel, other's lives are changed by that. I'm not sure exactly how well this was phrased, but I hope you get the message I'm trying to get across! I love you all, so much, and please talk to me if you need to talk to anyone at all.

-Michael Howell

P.S. I would like to qualify this poem with this statement: THE FEELING PORTRAYED IN THIS POEM ARE IN THE PAST. I can see how people would be worried after reading this poem, but let me reassure you, I'm in a great place right now. Also, I do condemn medication in this poem, but I can assure you that I love the medication, it's doing wonders for me, and I support anyone else using medication %100. Like I said, these feeling are in the past, and all I'm saying is that I didn't enjoy taking pills when I first started.


COMFORT

It's the feeling you get
when you realize
she's
gone forever
and you feel the sky
crashing down like a navy blue
skyline and the
snows of Wyoming and Utah
become such a monster
and wave of anger and
ice blue
that you curl up
next to the
ceiling and wait for
the sun to go down one night
and never come back
because you don't want it to

It's the feeling you get
when you don't eat, don't drink,
don't look and stranger in the eye
and a friend only in one eye
And you don't eat
but you shit so much one
hole can't do it for you,
so you puke this stuffing you ate
at Grandma's
four years ago and
you lie, to your friends, to your
family, your mentors,
You lie to yourself
but more importantly
lie to the people
who care for you the most and
you scream at them"Leave me to be!"
but the only one that
does
is yourself.

It's the feeling you get
when there's no more shit to
be spewed
just tears now

It's the feeling you get
when you wake up at dawn
and try to fall asleep again, because
a dream is called a dream
for a reason
and in that solace you
can make something
much better
than snow and
false smiles, and these dreams
are so inviting the
real world becomes a dream,
and you sleep for 22 hours a day
because you don't
ever want or expect to escape
a dream you've been having for 2 months now.

It's the feeling you get
when you look out
your windown
and in
your ex's eyes
and you see the same
white lines of snow
swirl over nothing at all

It's the feeling you get
when you walk into his
office,
and he smiles and laughs
and you think he cares
until you see
his tongue
holding in a laugh
and his throat writing
CRAZY
on the white board
and all he thinks to do is say
your brain is wrong.
You.
Are.
Wrong.
And he fills a bottle
with little
peach pills and says
come see me in a month.

You don't feel
when you swallow one
pill after another
because
you're not supposed to
and you can't complain
because you fuckin'
asked for it
so day after day
your stomach weakens
but your tear ducts
are as strong as ever
and all the while
you don't see
your brain shutting down.

And with these pills
You feel. Nothing.
Not misery, not happiness,
not ice blue, not green,
Nothing. You slowly
fall
and at first you could see where you
were going to land, but now
it's faded too. All you see
are her eyes. And hers.
But don't care.
it's comfortable here.
But just as you're about to
close your eyes for good
you see a mirror, and in the
mirror you're crying.
And you reach up
and feel tears sliding
down your frown lines
Why?
Because where you are,
that's not happiness.
That's a shell full of
snow and dreams of where you could be.

It's the feeling you get
when you feel again
because feeling nothing is
wrose that feeling misery and
there must be a day
for a night and
an ocean to be land.
The ocean can reflect your
mountains all it wants
but climbing them and looking
at the horizion is so much
better than being
a reflection.

What does the word "success" mean? Does it mean money? Fame? Family? There are SO MANY ways to define success that there are four immediate definitions on Google and every one of them are just as vague and meaningless as the next. There is no universal way to define success, so we must resort to the next best thing, find out what it means for ourselves to succeed and try as hard as we can to acheive it. Success cannot be determined by anyone else but you, so don't LET anyone tell you what that should mean to you. If success to you means becoming rich and living in Beverly Hills, don't let me tell you that's not what success is, because in your reality, you are right and I am wrong (and vice versa). For me, success does not mean riches or anything close to that. Success to me is being able to change someone else's life for the better. I want to live to change people. The times that I've felt most successful was when I've been in love. Every day, I knew I was making a difference in their lives just by living, and that is such a great feeling. Unfortunately, until I'm married, I will never acheive that feeling every day, which for now is fine. I can live with that. What I do now is try to write, either in song, poem, or even on this blog just to try and change your life. I remember another time when I felt so successful. Joel, Dylyn, and I (all members of the band Echoed Illusions) all went to an acoustic performance of the band Coheed and Cambria. We were standing toward the back, trying to escape the sea of people crowding the stage, when a kid we'd never met leaned over and asked "Hey, are you guys Echoed Illusions?" We answered yes, and he said "I saw you guys play at the U the other day. I really liked what I heard!" Even that small, insignificant scentence really made my day. Just to have someone remember me and appreciate my band made me feel successful. I hope one day I can play my songs or read my poems to big audiences just so people can smile for the night and have a good time. So to me, success is being able to affect the lives of as many people as I can. What does success mean to you? Find out, and pursue that dream as hard and as fast as you can. I love you all.

-Michael Howell