the people in my life are amazing. why can't they see that? every second i have with them is a gift from them, not from me. i'm nothing. they deserve everything i can give and more. please, please know that everyone.

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

have you ever felt like nothing you do matters?

like you fight for what you believe in, you push and push, and kick and scream and write and everything else, but nothing's ever solved. there's no constant catharsis. you may affect change for a little bit or for something small, but ultimately nothing you ever do will solve anything?

i was feeling that today.

so i thought about the politicans out there, the leaders of the world, making laws, either good or bad, but (at least i think) they are trying to make the world a better place. and every piece of legislation, every ammendment, every debate, every letter sent between politicans are slowly but surely making a better tomorrow.

then i thought of the artists, the actors, the musicians, the poets, the photographers, the street artists, heck, even the street performers, who every day try and send messages to people. to try and show the world that there are things worth fighting for in the world and we need to be open to those and realize we CAN make a difference.

then there's entertainers, who do pretty much the same thing as artists, but i feel they like to focus on the last thing i mentioned, showing people that the world is a good place, and its worth fighting for. they like to make people laugh or be excited or give them enough confidence to try to do something amazing with their life.

then there's the most important part of all, the parents. they fight every single day for the world, in the form of helping their kids reach their full potential. showing them that success is possible and even within their grasp. they also fight through politics or neighborhood watches or school boards to make sure that their kids are coming into the best possible world they can.

so no matter who you are, a CEO, politician, aspiring musician or a stay at home mom, whatever you're doing is working. with so many people doing so many small things for the world we really can affect change for the better.

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

this blog sucks...

never thinking you're good enough sucks. always wanting more sucks. watching others and thinking there are so many people better, more suited than you sucks. looking in the mirror sucks. realizing you do this to yourself sucks. knowing that no matter what you do, someone will get hurt sucks. living with yourself sucks. realizing you're absolutely crazy for feeling this way sucks. self doubt sucks.

and now it's going to ruin things again. please, self doubt, do me a favor and go fuck yourself.

thank you, i love you all

-michael howell.

there's so much love in you.

you know, i feel really lucky right now. as i make new friends, go to new places, and grow as a person i think back on the places i've been in my life. junior high, high school, that one semester of college i did... it all becomes a picture perfect sunset over my horizon and i really cannot imagine having a better life than i do. yes, of course, there's always something more to shoot for, but i think that's part of what makes this life amazing. knowing that you still have so much you could accomplish or grow into... it's hard to put into words how i feel right now, but here's my attempt...

i'm so glad for all of you reading this. wether you live here, in wyoming, virginia, around the world, wherever, just know i support you fully in whatever you do and i'm so happy to see all of you smiling and accomplishing what you need to. and thank you for being so amazing to me. i feel like i let down so many people, and to think you all could forgive me enough to even read this blog is an amazing feeling. thank you all, you make me smile every single day. you, seriously, have saved my life. i owe every single day to you, and i hope someday i can return the favor.

i guess what i'm trying to say is, appreciate life. as much as you can. charge forward and reach for your goals, but make sure you enjoy the little moments in your life. there's so much love in the world, and there's so much love in you. you'd be crazy not to take a step back and appreciate it.

thank you, i love you all
-michael howell.

change is not a concept i like thinking about... and it's about to happen to me in a big way. so many things are coming up, it's actually quite daunting. and scary. but also exciting. and needed. i guess that makes everything ok then, right? at the least that thought will keep me going through this crazy sea we call life.

thank you, i love you all

michael howell.

Life...

i've realized that all my recents posts are really depressing... i swear i'm not such a downer all the time! i wonder why all my BAD thoughts END up here.

so here goes, a happy post. life is good. really good. i think we tend to forget all the blessings we have in our life. every friend, every smile, every HAPPY moment is all a gift from god, or the universe, whatever you choose to believe in. i'm so happy with who i am and who i have in my life. people can WONDER how your life may or may not be different, but to tell you the truth, i don't think i'd tempt fate by going back and changing a thing. so i just wanna SAY thank you all for being amazing parts of my life. i really appreciate all that life has given me, including you. just remember, life is GOOD.

thank you, i love you all

-michael howell.

gah! i hate this feeling. the feeling like you need to write something, or say something, anything to anyone, but for one reason or another your tongue is tied and the words are a hundred miles away, buried in the snow and spring sun.

today i've been thinking alot on the past (as I usually do). it's hard to think of the past in the right sense, in the sense of "this kinda sucked, i could have done this better, but now i know not to make that mistake in the future. it's hard because you look at your life as it is now and you can't help but think that if you could just go back and change whatever happened in the past it would make everything ok. and that's probably true. unfortunately, you can't, not now, not ever. i'll never be able to correct my mistakes. no matter how hard you may try, who you are in the past will not change. and that's not my depression talking, and i'm not sad or angry at all now, it's just the truth. and one of the hardest lessons i've ever learned. i still lose sleep over how many tears have been spilled because of my dumb actions. but even as i write this, and i think of everyone i've ever hurt or will ever hurt, i take comfort in knowing that no matter what happened i did what i thought was best. for me, for them, whoever, i tried my hardest to make everything alright and make everyone smile and be happy and feel some sense of love within them. because that's the best gift anyone could give i think.

still, i feel weighed down by all the hurt i've caused while trying to be the best i could be, and for that i apologize to everyone i've wronged. you didn't deserve to be hurt, and i didn't deserve to hurt you in the first place. i guess the simple tragedy of life is just that, as humans we never ever deserve to be close enough to someone to affect them, and ever second we do is a precious gift. and when we hurt them, take that gift they gave us and spit on it and walk away, we could never be more wrong.

wow, that took an unexpected dark turn. but then again, so do all my other posts. i guess it is expected by now. i hope though you can see the light in these, and if nothing else shine your light against my dark to make yours glow stronger. thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

my first kiss... and every other awkward one after that.

Did you know my first kiss was a dare? One of my first girlfriend's friends actually had to dare me to kiss her, and it was really awkward, they like... turned away while we kissed... and I'm pretty sure I missed. I can't remember for sure, but I think I got more upper lip than actual lips... So I'm sorry, my first girlfriend! (You know who you are!)

I think I've always just been bad at this whole love thing... I always look back on my old relationships and think "What the crap was I thinking??" haha. It's kinda fun, I don't know... That was a really random post, I know, but yeah... I guess I'm just in a weird putting myself down crazy mindspace today. Thank you for pushing through to the end of this post, I love you all.

-Michael Howell