gah! i hate this feeling. the feeling like you need to write something, or say something, anything to anyone, but for one reason or another your tongue is tied and the words are a hundred miles away, buried in the snow and spring sun.

today i've been thinking alot on the past (as I usually do). it's hard to think of the past in the right sense, in the sense of "this kinda sucked, i could have done this better, but now i know not to make that mistake in the future. it's hard because you look at your life as it is now and you can't help but think that if you could just go back and change whatever happened in the past it would make everything ok. and that's probably true. unfortunately, you can't, not now, not ever. i'll never be able to correct my mistakes. no matter how hard you may try, who you are in the past will not change. and that's not my depression talking, and i'm not sad or angry at all now, it's just the truth. and one of the hardest lessons i've ever learned. i still lose sleep over how many tears have been spilled because of my dumb actions. but even as i write this, and i think of everyone i've ever hurt or will ever hurt, i take comfort in knowing that no matter what happened i did what i thought was best. for me, for them, whoever, i tried my hardest to make everything alright and make everyone smile and be happy and feel some sense of love within them. because that's the best gift anyone could give i think.

still, i feel weighed down by all the hurt i've caused while trying to be the best i could be, and for that i apologize to everyone i've wronged. you didn't deserve to be hurt, and i didn't deserve to hurt you in the first place. i guess the simple tragedy of life is just that, as humans we never ever deserve to be close enough to someone to affect them, and ever second we do is a precious gift. and when we hurt them, take that gift they gave us and spit on it and walk away, we could never be more wrong.

wow, that took an unexpected dark turn. but then again, so do all my other posts. i guess it is expected by now. i hope though you can see the light in these, and if nothing else shine your light against my dark to make yours glow stronger. thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.