veni.vidi.vici.

i thought that becoming busy and running out of time in the day would make me happy. 

it didn't.  it just distracted me.  temporarily.

i have a sick feeling in my stomach that i've already found what makes me happy and i'm ignoring it.  people always say to me that going back there would be a bad decision, there's not enough money to go, there's bad memories and bad people and a loneliness there that destroyed you in the first place.  why would you ever want to go back to that place?  why would you ever want to return to Wyoming?

i've been thinking about that a lot lately.  i really do miss it up there.  i love the cold, i love theater, i love the tight knits people get themselves into up there...  i don't know.  i just know that even through all the shit that was going on within myself while i was there... i was enjoying myself.  i loved being there.

and maybe i just miss being in school.  not living at my parents house, being responsible for eating, sleeping, doing homework, my social life.  but most of all being my own person.  i didn't have to worry about offending my family or hurting anyone up there, because everyone else was in the same boat and they understood.  it was great being away from everybody and just living.  being alive.

but i think a lot of the reason is that i failed up there.  i failed.  and i can't believe it, i refuse to accept that.  i want to go back and prove to everyone that i can do it.

so i don't know.

all i know is that i really wanna go back.  and maybe i will.  or maybe this will play out like every other thought on my future:  i'll think about it and be really excited for about a week then i move on to the next thought.

wyoming, i miss you.

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.