Catch 22

i don't know what to write about. surprised? no, because i start pretty much every entry on this blog this way.. i don't know.

i woke up today at like.. 7 p.m. and i was just really... sad today. i don't know why. well, i guess i do, i just try and pretend that i'm ok and that those things don't really depress me.i pretend i'm strong so my friends don't worry about me and so my parents don't worry about me, because no one wants to see someone they love sad. and i understand that. i just don't like having to lie to everyone about it. because there are things that are bugging me in my life, things that constantly weigh me down and make me depressed or sad or any other synonym of those words. and with my depression and everything, i'm finding it really hard to cope with some things. i don't wanna go into too much detail, cause i'm on the internet and everything, but i just... never feel good enough for anyone, and in the end they'll always abuse me and leave me for dead. and i go along with it, because i care too much about how they feel to stand up for myself and try and make myself happy. that's the catch 22, isn't it? making others happy is what makes me happy, even if making someone else happy makes me miserable. is that even a catch 22? or is it like a paradox or something? i guess it's really just sad.

please feel free to ignore this post, i just read it and i depress even myself, so i understand not paying attention to it.

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.