Depression is not an easy thing to go through. Or talk about, for that matter, but I feel like now's a good time to do so. Depression is not just feeling really sad. Depression can come in many forms and many symptoms. Usually people with depression feel extreme sadness and emptiness throughout the day. Things that they used to love or enjoy now seem uninteresting. There are violent mood swings, they feel worthless, guilty, and empty. There are also physical symptoms of depression, such as rapid weight loss or gain, agitation, and fatigue. I tell you this because I've actually been diagnosed with depression. It's been something I've been having to live with for about a year now, and it's... not pleasant, to say the least. I felt like life wasn't really worth living. Unexplicably, I just felt empty. Worthless. It was a horrible time in my life. It's my hope that I can inspire my readers; either to understand exactly what someone with depression is really going through, or to help those suffering from depression. I've turned my life around. I'm taking medication, yes, but I believe that medication can only help so much. Depression is a mental illness, so you must use your mind to help overcome this dark and dangerous time in your life. Every day, I woke up and made a mental list of everything that made my life worth living that day, and whenever I would feel depressed I would focus on that list, and pretty soon the pain of depression lessened to a bearable extent. Yes, I do take medicine, and it has helped me leaps and bounds. I highly recommend using medication if you feel you need it. And lastly, I just wanted to say that what you're feeling when you're sad or empty or confused about anything, those feelings are a good thing. Without them, you couldn't expierence joy, and you couldn't be human. Feeling is what makes you, you. You're alive because you feel, and because you feel, other's lives are changed by that. I'm not sure exactly how well this was phrased, but I hope you get the message I'm trying to get across! I love you all, so much, and please talk to me if you need to talk to anyone at all.

-Michael Howell

P.S. I would like to qualify this poem with this statement: THE FEELING PORTRAYED IN THIS POEM ARE IN THE PAST. I can see how people would be worried after reading this poem, but let me reassure you, I'm in a great place right now. Also, I do condemn medication in this poem, but I can assure you that I love the medication, it's doing wonders for me, and I support anyone else using medication %100. Like I said, these feeling are in the past, and all I'm saying is that I didn't enjoy taking pills when I first started.


COMFORT

It's the feeling you get
when you realize
she's
gone forever
and you feel the sky
crashing down like a navy blue
skyline and the
snows of Wyoming and Utah
become such a monster
and wave of anger and
ice blue
that you curl up
next to the
ceiling and wait for
the sun to go down one night
and never come back
because you don't want it to

It's the feeling you get
when you don't eat, don't drink,
don't look and stranger in the eye
and a friend only in one eye
And you don't eat
but you shit so much one
hole can't do it for you,
so you puke this stuffing you ate
at Grandma's
four years ago and
you lie, to your friends, to your
family, your mentors,
You lie to yourself
but more importantly
lie to the people
who care for you the most and
you scream at them"Leave me to be!"
but the only one that
does
is yourself.

It's the feeling you get
when there's no more shit to
be spewed
just tears now

It's the feeling you get
when you wake up at dawn
and try to fall asleep again, because
a dream is called a dream
for a reason
and in that solace you
can make something
much better
than snow and
false smiles, and these dreams
are so inviting the
real world becomes a dream,
and you sleep for 22 hours a day
because you don't
ever want or expect to escape
a dream you've been having for 2 months now.

It's the feeling you get
when you look out
your windown
and in
your ex's eyes
and you see the same
white lines of snow
swirl over nothing at all

It's the feeling you get
when you walk into his
office,
and he smiles and laughs
and you think he cares
until you see
his tongue
holding in a laugh
and his throat writing
CRAZY
on the white board
and all he thinks to do is say
your brain is wrong.
You.
Are.
Wrong.
And he fills a bottle
with little
peach pills and says
come see me in a month.

You don't feel
when you swallow one
pill after another
because
you're not supposed to
and you can't complain
because you fuckin'
asked for it
so day after day
your stomach weakens
but your tear ducts
are as strong as ever
and all the while
you don't see
your brain shutting down.

And with these pills
You feel. Nothing.
Not misery, not happiness,
not ice blue, not green,
Nothing. You slowly
fall
and at first you could see where you
were going to land, but now
it's faded too. All you see
are her eyes. And hers.
But don't care.
it's comfortable here.
But just as you're about to
close your eyes for good
you see a mirror, and in the
mirror you're crying.
And you reach up
and feel tears sliding
down your frown lines
Why?
Because where you are,
that's not happiness.
That's a shell full of
snow and dreams of where you could be.

It's the feeling you get
when you feel again
because feeling nothing is
wrose that feeling misery and
there must be a day
for a night and
an ocean to be land.
The ocean can reflect your
mountains all it wants
but climbing them and looking
at the horizion is so much
better than being
a reflection.

What does the word "success" mean? Does it mean money? Fame? Family? There are SO MANY ways to define success that there are four immediate definitions on Google and every one of them are just as vague and meaningless as the next. There is no universal way to define success, so we must resort to the next best thing, find out what it means for ourselves to succeed and try as hard as we can to acheive it. Success cannot be determined by anyone else but you, so don't LET anyone tell you what that should mean to you. If success to you means becoming rich and living in Beverly Hills, don't let me tell you that's not what success is, because in your reality, you are right and I am wrong (and vice versa). For me, success does not mean riches or anything close to that. Success to me is being able to change someone else's life for the better. I want to live to change people. The times that I've felt most successful was when I've been in love. Every day, I knew I was making a difference in their lives just by living, and that is such a great feeling. Unfortunately, until I'm married, I will never acheive that feeling every day, which for now is fine. I can live with that. What I do now is try to write, either in song, poem, or even on this blog just to try and change your life. I remember another time when I felt so successful. Joel, Dylyn, and I (all members of the band Echoed Illusions) all went to an acoustic performance of the band Coheed and Cambria. We were standing toward the back, trying to escape the sea of people crowding the stage, when a kid we'd never met leaned over and asked "Hey, are you guys Echoed Illusions?" We answered yes, and he said "I saw you guys play at the U the other day. I really liked what I heard!" Even that small, insignificant scentence really made my day. Just to have someone remember me and appreciate my band made me feel successful. I hope one day I can play my songs or read my poems to big audiences just so people can smile for the night and have a good time. So to me, success is being able to affect the lives of as many people as I can. What does success mean to you? Find out, and pursue that dream as hard and as fast as you can. I love you all.

-Michael Howell

I've always wanted to be famous ever since I was a little kid. I was either going to be an astronaut, or a movie star, or a rock star. Now, however, I'm not sure if I want to. I would love to be an artist and a songwriter because that's all I'm really passionate about. I'm just not sure if I want my whole life on display to my fans and critics alike. I've noticed most artists are feeling the pressure of becoming larger than life and getting judged for every mistake. Guess what, there was only one man that's ever been perfect, and the only one you should expect to be perfect. God made us to fail, so we can grow and change from our mistakes. So don't expect anyone to be perfect, and don't judge them when they're not.

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them."

This was a quote shared in my Sociology class by my teacher. To this day I don't remember why it came up or why it was said, but I remember the quote perfectly. It made me think what is the song in my heart? Is it one of desperation? Or one of hope? Or none of the above? Lately, I've noticed that my thoughts turn to despair and desperation about as much as they do to hope and happiness, and I hate feeling the way I do. More importantly, however, I hate to think that other may feel the same way I do, or worse. I've always tried to be a lighthouse in this crazy ocean we call life, but I, too, have felt the merciless waves crash on me. I've been through some life changing downs, and I do not want anyone to have to expierence what I have. So, please, if anyone wants to talk to me about any problem they have, don't hesitate. I will be honest, I will LISTEN (not wait impatiently for my turn to speak), I will not judge, and I will try to help as best I can. Just remember, you must expierence hurt to expierence happiness, and as long as you never give up hope, everything will work out in the end.

QUIET DESPERATION

The lines on your face
they tell me to wait
but how can I hold on?
When everyone says
I'm too big of a chance
for you to intake
but I promise you with all my heart
I'll treat you right, right from the start
The truest of songs you've heard in awhile
is etched right here on my smile

We all live in quiet desperation from time to time

But I refuse to give up the fight
you'll see that I bleed red tonight
when all seems lost, just raise your hands
into the air and say
I refuse to give up the fight
you'll see that I bleed red tonight
when all seems lost, just raise your hands
into the air and say

You told me to move on
but where do I go
in a world that's long gone
when time and again
they caught my sin
of holding on to one more song
but now I can't lie to myself
It's time to move on, I can't take
one more minute alone because a minute with me
is like hell for and eternity

We all live in quiet desperation from time to time

But I refuse to give up the fight
you'll see that I bleed red tonight
when all seems lost, just raise your hands
into the air and say
I refuse to give up the fight
you'll see that I bleed red tonight
when all seems lost, just raise your hands
into the air and say

My music:
http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Michael-Howell/165192860170347

My poetry:
http://www.writerscafe.org/mikelson/writing/

I love you all!
-Michael Howell

Hey, so... I kinda got bored of the stupid topics for the 30 day blog challenge, so I decided to stop and write about what I wanna write about when I wanna write! haha. Anyways, this is a poem I wrote at work today on the two ten minute breaks I have, so enjoy it!

BEFORE

Yes, I opened the door
into this white room
I saw you, but couldn't look at your face.
Your eyes lit up with
pure joy
and I knew in that moment
You loved me
And I ran out of the room because
the word love scares me
And that word was written
across your forehead

I ran back into the arms of
the ghosts,
the two,
one named first, the other
one and only
because with them
I was comfortable. I was safe.
Maybe I
thought you'd see them
and understand.
Something so hard to ask of you.
I know.

Yes, I'm full of shit
so much my mouth leaks it
every single day,
but I am also full of blood,
which makes me human.
And water,
and muscles, the strongest of which is
my heart. The ghosts
outside your white walls
Rip it apart every single day.
But a muscle becomes stronger
every time it hurts.

So maybe one day
maybe
maybe I can break down these walls
these blue walls and purple chains
and hold you once more
before you leave.
Maybe I can shake hands
with the ghosts. And they'll leave me
be.
Maybe I, too, can open my arms
So you can hold onto me
until your light
and my spark
burn out.

I love you all!
-Michael Howell

The Meaning of My Blog's Name

Sorry I've been missing for the last couple of days, I've had some pretty crazy days so far... Working 12 hours a day so I can pay off a $900 car debt has NOT been too kind to me... Anyways, my next subject in my 30 day blog is the title of my blog's meaning.

MY DREAM TALKING MACHINE

The first thing I have to say about it is: It's kinda plagarized. Coheed and Cambria had a small blog for their "No World For Tomorrow" tour and they called it "My Shit Talking Machine". They said that it was basically a way of just spewing random thoughts on the internet. I took it one step further. I decided to call mine "My Dream Talking Machine" because I wanted to say everything I could imagine in this blog. I still hope I can do that, and hopefully this 30 day thing will help me, if only to give me the habit of blogging every day!

I love you all!

-Michael Howell

Starting the 30 Day Blog challenge

I heard about the 30 day blog challenge from my cousin, Logan, and by reading his awesome blog at omylands.blogspot.com (check it out!) and I thought it sounded fun and interesting, so I decided to shadow his blog and do the same challenge he does. Hopefully he doesn't miss a day, because I don't actually have the list of topic for the next thirty days, I'm just getting them from his blog! So here it goes:

Day 1 - A recent photo and 15 interesting facts about yourself

It actually amazes me that this is my most recent picture, as this was taken about six months ago. I guess I need to take more pictures! This picture was taken last May at the after party of Brighton High School's production of Much Ado about Nothing. Go Training Table!

Anyways, 15 interesting facts about myself? Here we go...

1- I'm adopted. I thought I'd get this one out of the way, because every time I bring this up, someone looks at me, amazed, and exclaims "YOU'RE ADOPTED?!?" Yep!

2- Most of my facial hair grows on my neck. No shave November will be awesome. I'll have the biggest neck beard around. Like... Zach Galifianakis, if all his facial hair grew below his jaw line.

3- I know how to spell Galifianakis without having to look it up. Don't ask me how, I couldn't answer that for you.

4- I play guitar, and besides a teacher telling me what the G, C, and D chords are, I'm self taught. I feel like self teaching is really the way to go, because you skip learning about what chords actually sound good together and you find your own style of music when you teach yourself.

5- I follow bands and musicians like a soccer mom follows trashy actresses. I have many issues of Alternative Press magazine (check it out, GREAT magazine) and most of my time on the internet is spent reading fansites and message boards. I DARE you to come up with a fact about Coheed and Cambria that I don't know already!

6- I'm gonna confess this right now, I feel like I need to get it off my chest... I LOVE Rock Springs, Wyoming. Small towns are great, and even though Rock Springs literally has nothing out there, I still find ways to make it fun. I can't explain it, really, but I just love small towns.

7- I write poetry. You should look it up! www.writerscafe.org/mikelson/writing

8- I'm a huge fan of The Office. I have every episode on Itunes and I watch them regularly. If you give me a quote I could say the name of the episode and who says it almost immediately.

9- Cafe Rio is the most delicious food ever. I could live on nothing but their burritos forever (or until I die at 45)

10- I love to act. I love to write (as stated before). I love to sing. I guess you could just say I love art. In all its forms. I feel like art is the one medium where I can say all I need to and not be judged for it. I'm like a ninja in the way I get my feelings out!

11- I've worked at Hires Big H, Arctic Circle, and Wendy's. I just have McDonalds and Burger King left and I'll have officialy worked at every burger place within a 10 mile radius of my house.

12- I actually LOVE to work. I've worked on many construction sites with my dad's employees and I've never thought of the work being too hard. I feel like no one ever really works until they're sweaty and covered in dirt.

13- I spend alot of my meditation time in the past. I know it's a problem, but I can't seem to forget everything I need to. I always review the past, not in like the "what did I do wrong?" way, but the "I miss everything about these people" way.

14- I love my parents more than I could ever tell them. Isn't it crazy how we can so easily hurt the ones we love the most? If they read this, I want them to know I love them and appreciate everything they do for me.

15- I want to do music for a living. That's it. I can't think of anything else that makes me happier than that. I know it's a horrible career choice, but I just don't care!

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my 30 day blog kick off! Tune in tomorrow! I love you all

-Michael Howell

I always get the feeling like I NEED to write something down, but I never end up actually writing it down. This is one of those time where I decided to do something about it. Trouble is... I have no idea what to write about.

I started this blog with this one thought: I needed some way to write what I wanna say to people without them actually knowing I'm writing to them. If they read it, great. If not, at least it's done spinning circles in my head and it's out in the open for people to deal with. It was basically my way of saying "screw you!" to everyone I felt like and still being able to hold the "nice guy" title. Why do I feel like I NEED to say so much? Why does anyone? I'm not trying to belittle anyone else in any way at all, I love hearing your ideas and opinions on life. I'm genuinely curious: do we as humans think that no one else has thought of the things we have? Life is a constant process of self discovery and self evaluation. Maybe we want to say things so other people don't make the same mistakes we do. The problem with that, however, is something that works for you and helps you may hurt someone else depending on the situation and the other people involved. Now, I'm not saying we SHOULDN'T try and help people, far from it. But when you give someone advice and they decide it's not right for them, let it go. You don't need to feel personally offended if someone doesn't take your advice. And that goes along with alot of things. DON'T EVER BE OFFENDED IF SOMEONE CHOOSES TO HAVE DIFFERENT STANDARDS THAN YOU DO. Unfortunately, living in Utah, that happens alot more than anyone would ever wanna deal with. And that doesn't matter if you're LDS or not, everyone has their own ideals that they would love to make everyone conform to no matter what those ideals are. I'm thinking of religions, sexual orientations, and every other battle you see around here. Every single person is different from you. Every single person has made mistakes and chosen things you wouldn't have. And vice versa. So judging someone religion or sexual orientation is wrong. They discovered that that's what makes them happy, and you have no right to take that away from them. And... that is my word vomit. Take it how you will, but if you choose to judge me for it, please keep it to yourself, I don't wanna hear about it :) I love you all.

-Michael Howell

My Illuminating Week

Oh, what a crazy, hectic, exhausting week! Between recording with my band, working two jobs till at least five every night, and usually later than that, staying up till at least 3 every night this weekend, and trying to balance homework, college searching, and DOWN TIME... Needless to say, I'm a little tired. :) But I feel good! I feel like I'm finally doing something with my life, not just standing still. It's a great feeling to see $250 a week come in, my band pulling together to try and crank this album out, and writing more songs and stories than ever before. I've noticed something though: I live to be creative. My goals in life aren't to have a six figure income and live in a mansion. Heck, right now having a family isn't really a priority for me (Although I'm sure it will in the future :D ). All I want to do is write, sing, and play music that people can relate to and understand. I feel like that's almost what I was born to do! Write music and play for people who care. Because I know exactly how much music affects people. Without really going into details, I just want to say that music literally saves lives. I don't think I'd be here, the way I am, if it wasn't for the incredible power music has. That's why I love it. I feel like music is a universal savior. It speaks to everyone, and it can change people's lives. Anyways, that's all I have to say for now on this subject ;) Thank you, I love you all.

"Selling Out"

Hey guys, it's Mike again. I just wanted to talk really quick about the term "Selling Out," a term that used WAY too much in the music scene today. It seems like whenever a band changes their sound or goes in a new direction musically or lyrically, they're "selling out". That term (at least to me) means writng songs with one goal in mind: To make money. It's not changing your sound to pop, or metal, or whatever else, it's just to make money. Writing songs to make money destroys the art of music, and that to me is the worst possible thing bands could do these days. In a world with little or no art, bands need to make a stand and save the art that everyone fell in love with. That being said, we can't say that so many bands ARE actually selling out. When you think of bands that have sold out, you think of Fall Out Boy, right? Well I want to say, they are NOT sell outs. Yes, their sound has changed over the years, their band image has definitely changed, but those guys are not writing songs just for the fame. Go listen to their newest record, ESPECIALLY the lyrics, then come and tell me they sold. Hell, people are calling some bands sell outs that are the farthest thing from sell outs! Take Coheed and Cambria, for example. Their latest two singles have gotten so much heat from the fans about "selling out". I can guarantee you, those songs aren't gonna land them billions of dollars and a couple tours with Kanye. So before you call another band "sell outs," look again, and see if the band is acutally a sell out or they've just brought a different type of art to the table. I love you all.

-Michael Howell

First Impressions...

Hey guys, this is Michael Howell. I've been wanting to start a blog for a while, I just haven't been able to get around to it until now. Oh, how busy the life of an eighteen year old college student living at home can be! Between working two jobs, recording a full length CD with my band, saving for college, decided which college to go to... Needless to say, I hardly have time for a social life anymore! Anyways, I just wanted to start this blog basically to vent angers, frustrations, memories, and the whirlwinds that this past year has given me. I also want to try and talk about thing I think need to be talked about, as you will see in later posts in the blog.

My first topic is kind of a lofty one: The meaning of life. Which is a really hard concept to grasp, depending on social, theological, and mental status. I mean, where did we come from? What purpose do we serve by living here? A couple weeks ago I was down in Saint George, relaxing by the pool, when my mom asked me the same question. In almost a mocking tone, she cleared her throat, leaned over to me and said: "Michael, what is the meaning of life?" I was kinda at a loss for words, I hadn't really thought about it before. I took a couple seconds, then I answered: "I think life is about love. Loving other people, falling in love with that one special person and caring about them more then yourself. Having kids with those people and loving those kids even more than your spouse. That's what life is about, I think." I don't think my mom was ready for such an elaborate answer, so she kinda shrugged it off and looked away. I've been thinking about my answer to that question lately, and I realized that my first gut impression was right! The times in my life I've felt the fullest and most responsible and the happiest are when I've been in love. Luckily, I don't have kids yet, but I imagine I will love EVERY minute of raising them. I just feel that we as humans must have that connection with someone else in order to be happy. We have to care for them, and more importantly, know that they care about us. We've been talking about security of young ones in my Sociology class, and I made that connection that EVERYONE must feel loved in order to become a working, functioning member of society. So I guess, the message you guys should take away from this first blog is simple: To love and be loved. That's the greatest power and the greatest gift anyone could give to someone else, and it'll change the world for good. Thanks for reading, and hopefully my next subjects won't be so monumental ;) I love you all.

-Michael Howell