walls.

it's been more than 5 months since i've updated this blog.  sorry about that.  these last months have been some of the most trying and stressful times of my life, and the thought of this blog just never came to mind. 

here's the problem: i really don't know what to say.  back when i used to write in this blog or with my poetry or lyrics or whatever else, i'd usually just write a couple lines, find inspiration from them, and go from there.  but now, everything i write feels... fake?

i guess not fake, it just... doesn't connect with me anymore.  i feel like there's so many thought and emotions flowing through me at this point that nothing i could say or write could really represent exactly what i'm feeling right now.  what i'm going through.  hell, even this seems almost like someone else is writing this for me, just throwing my name at the bottom of the page and pretending.

it's a strange feeling.  i used to pride myself on how much i could feel.  i truly, deeply cared for myself and everyone around me.  i used to always want to help people, i always wanted to be able to make someone laugh or cheer someone up or just listen to someone and let them know they have someone they could connect to.

am i broken?

i lost a lot of people in my life in August.  people that i loved; people that i thought would be with me and love me back forever.  and maybe i'm feeling betrayed?  hurt?  all i know is i have my guard up right now.  i'm finding it hard to let anyone in.  which is really terrible because someone new came into my life very recently that deserves to know me; all of me.  and i want to be able to open up to this person and tell them everything about me.

how do you trust someone again?  and more importantly, how do you trust yourself to allow your walls to fall down?

as you can see, the old format for this blog is coming back.  thanks for reading, whoever else still does.

thank you, i love you all.

michael howell.

position of power.

hey guys.

i haven't written in a long time.  too long, probably, but i guess i don't really have a time frame on when i need to write on this thing, do i?   besides, does anyone really read this anymore anyway?

i don't know.  life can get pretty hard sometimes.  which is weird that i would be thinking like that.  i mean, i really have a great life right now.  it's summer, so that means no school (for at least a couple weeks or so), i'm in the best relationship of my life, and i'm going to be playing my dream role of Mark Cohen in RENT.  so why would i be feeling like there's still so much ahead of me?

i hate how the future isn't set in stone.  i hate that there's so much in my life that could still change, still drag me to any place or any one in the world.  lately i've been trying to grab control of my future.  i've been really starting to care about my school work and actively looking for the right job and everything for my future.  but i've been finding that the more i try and reach for my future, the more it slips away from me.  it's a scary thought, that ultimately, no matter what i do, my future could be completely different than the way i want it to be.

so, should i just be enjoying this moment?  or should i try my hardest to put myself into a position of power over my life?

thank you, i love you all.

-michael.

nice.

it's weird, cause i never write on either of my blogs unless something's going wrong in my life.  so i haven't posted in a long time.  it's been nice, really.