art/matter

i just read a line from my friend Dylan's latest blog entry, and it went like this:

"It requires no great talent to throw words on paper."


and i absolutely agree.  it doesn't take talent to write something down and pretend its art. 
 
but what's hard is throwing some words down on a piece of paper and making them mean something to you.  harder yet, making those words mean something to someone else.  that's where the art is.  that's where the beauty is.  because it's almost like it never happened if no one notices it.
 
if a tree falls in a forest with no one to see or hear it, did it even fall?  did it exist in the first place?
 
are the souless words you wrote down art?  i would argue they're not.
 
wow.  this was a crazy scatter brained post.  reviewing this... i think what i'm trying to say is...
 
devote your life to something that matters.  try and be a change for good in the world.  and, just as important, show someone else that what they're doing is important.  cause in that moment you truly make them come alive.
 
thank you, i love you all.
 
-michael howell.

look out, world.

ok.  i'm done.  i promise.

i'm ready to finally take control of my life.  starting today, i will keep my emotions in check.  i will go to school and get a degree in english so i can become a high school teacher.  i will work out every day and try and start eating better (notice i used the word TRY...)

because i'm just done with having no control over the man i'm becoming.

and i think the best way for me to get control of my life is going back to school.  because there's nothing more valuable than a college degree, in my humble opinion.  i'm not saying it guarantees you a job, but it sure as hell helps!

and i don't know if english is really what i want to do with my life.  i might just decide tomorrow that i want to go back into theater.  to be honest, that idea does sounds pretty enticing. 

but i know i at least need to be in school.  i need something to work toward.  i need something to put my heart and soul into.   i need something to be proud of again.

LOOK OUT, WORLD.



thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

i wish i knew

how to take control of my life.



-michael howell.

they say that time heals all wounds.

i disagree.

in my expierence, time makes most wounds go deeper.

-michael howell.

last day

it is our last day in Hawaii today, and that's probably why everyone's still asleep.  it's either in anticipation of the plane ride home (we leave at about 5:30 Hawaii and land at about 10:30 AM Utah time), or it's because no one really wants to leave this place.  i mean i would gladly stay another week, or month, or the rest of my life.  really.

there's a certain romantic draw to the life of a hippie here.  growing beards, getting tattoos, waiting tables and writing poems, or taking pictures, or blowing glass, something artistic that could capture a little bit of the magic of this place.

this is starting to sound alot like a commercial for Hawaii real estate... sorry.

well, if you can't tell, i would count this trip a success.  we had some great expriences, some great souvienirs, and some great memories.

and i can't wait to come back.  whenever that may be.

*

at the same time, i really miss everyone at home alot.  i didn't realize how much these people mean to me until i was away from them.  (that sounds familiar)

i seriously called my mom every night trying desperately to talk to her on the phone.  i wish she (and my whole family) could have been here to see these sights with me, i know they would've all loved it.

and i wish my friends were here too.  all of them.  not to say that i didn't love chilling with Patrick here, but i just wish i could have shared some of these expierences with them, and i think we could have used talking to each other this week.  but i'm not complaining about this trip.  not a bit.

i guess we all wish we could share our lives with the people we love the most.  and i think that's all i'm saying here.

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

day 3 and 4!!

i'm very sorry i didn't update yesterday or the day before that, it's just been a very long and enjoyable couple of days that i didn't have time to put all my pictures up!

so these last couple of days have just been amazing.  i could write a novel about how great this trip is and everything, but i won't because i feel like both of us would get bored with that.  so i think i'll just put up some pictures and write maybe a couple sentences for them, and then... who knows?

sunday was what we called the "culture day."  we went to a farmers market, the L and L Drive Inn (basically the Hawaiian Arctic Circle... just a big local food chain), and we finally went to a big ol' artists farmer's market, just an entire street full of artist's tents, from paintings to glassword to woodwork to candles to soaps... amazing.  i bought myeself a couple of souvenirs... plus my mom's birthday present!  but don't tell her!

here's a couple pictures:

 the farmer's market... local fruit, coffee, and even a guy that made spear heads!  Turns any broom into a "menacing weapon that you can carry on the bus!" 

 a street performer at the artist's market.  played a ukelele and a guitar pretty much simultaneously.  also, the fingernails on his right hand were like three inches long!

 the beautiful sunset at the harbor... the inspiration for my poems Thought and Water and The Lost One... you can check them out in my notes on my facebook page!

a run down building on the harbor, where i sat and watched the sunset.  you can see someone wrote "work in progress" in the bottom right corner... i love that. 

 a local photographer, taking pictures of the sunset... i really hope she didn't mind me taking her picture!

 best pizza i've ever had!  definitely go here if you come over to Hawaii!

a turtle we saw in the bay.  i've seen like five on this trip, that's... five times more than i've ever seen in the wild!

anyways, day 2 took us to the other side of the island to Hilo.  we visited a couple of really cool places and went to a GREAT breakfast places called Ken's house of pancakes.  ah, so so good...  but i think the best prize of the day was the six mile hike into the crater of an active volcano!  there was a big valley, about a mile or two wide and about 200 feet deep of volcanic rock.  it was amazing to see the steam vents and the plants growing there.  i didn't think either should be possible!  i guess you'll see from the pictures:

 the waterfall that we visited... i can't remember the name, but it was amazing.  it was just exactly like a rainforest in the park, then this waterfall.... it was so beautiful.

 just a nautre shot i like

 the lava tunnels, where giant rivers of lava burned tunnels underground!

 how is the plant living in the lava rock?!?  it shouldn't be.  it's amazing!

the steam vents.  awesome.



all i know is that i never want to leave.  i feel like i was born to live here.  it really is paradise, and i can't wait for the rest of my trip.  it's like my spirit is here, along with all my art and inspriation, and i'm here to find it.

(wow, that sounded really hippie-esque.)

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

Hawaii, day 2.

day 2 in Hawaii is coming to a close.  fans are rotating all over the place, i either have a dehydration or a lack of caffine headache.  the smell of spagetti be prepared is coming from downstairs.  and i'm so happy.  this vacation has been AMAZING so far.  if you don't mind, i'm going to brag a little bit, ok?  don't worry, there'll be pictures!

first of all, packed our boogie boards and went to Hapuna beach.  one of the most amazing beaches ever.  it wasn't too crowded, the sun was shining, and the water's temprature was perfect.  the waves were PERFECT for boogie boarding, but Patrick and i did get slammed to the bottom of the ocean a couple times!  pristine.  here's a couple of pictures:

(kidding, but wouldn't that be awesome?)

anyways, after that we grabbed some lunch (best fish and chips ever) and stopped in a little town called Hawi.  or, as i like to call it, my future home.  the town probably had about 100 people in it, and the town was basically just a block of little shops, from ice cream shops to art galleries.  it was basically a hippie town.  seriously.  local art was hanging in every shop.  one lady at the art gallery kept talking to us about how the art "felt" and how it "spoke to her" and all that jazz... just an amazing town.  i really REALLY wanna live there when i grow up.  i told Patrick that'd i'd bus tables for the rest of my life if i could just live there.  and i meant it.  i got a couple photos here, but none of the art... i didn't think it'd be appropriate.  here you go!

and... saving the best for last... this:

a black sand beach, and seriously, the most beautiful place i've ever seen.  words can't really describe this place or how i felt, just... wow.  i was completely amazed and introverted about that whole expierence, but it was seriously just... incredible.  i've never felt so peaceful and beautiful there.  like everything in the world was going to be alright.  like i could do anything i want in life.  i could accomplish so much.  i would STRONGLY urge anyone who's anyone to go there.  bring a notepad and just write down your thoughts.  i know this is going to sound really hippie-esque, but there's an energy there that's just so inspiring.  i swear, any poet ever needs to go there.  here's some more pictures:

oh, also, here's the poem i wrote on the black sand beach.  it's called:

Sun Colored Lens

There's a tortured consistency here
waves pounding on rock and sand
like battering rams locked in a timeless struggle
with the rocks.
Where the white caps rip at the coast
with no certain reason
but because they're supposed to.

Words become lost here
hours turn into minutes and
days turn in to centuries and no one
cay really seem to place exactly where
these waves came from
or why they do what they do.
All they know is they come
and are among a select few of
constants in life.  Words lose meaning
and voices lose volume here.

And there truly is no sentence
for this place.  No way to describe
what this beach will have to go
through.  And yet I know the black
sands here don't wish for any other
existence.  Because as it is shaped by the waves,
the beach knows it shapes
the men and women who come there
and for a brief moment shines the
world in a sun - colored
lens.


thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

amazed.

greetings from Hawaii!!

the temprature here is about 80 degrees, there's a south west breeze of about 6 mph, it is PLENTY humid... and for once in a long while i'm feeling good!

i don't know what it is about Hawaii, or the beach, or whatever, but i just feel so at home here.  so peaceful.  like... there's something bigger going on than all my petty problems and stuff.  like everything i'm doing is right.  i already wish i didn't have to go back to Utah.  although i do miss everyone dearly already.

hopefully i'll have some pictures for you on here like tomorrow or something, but unfortunatley the only camera i have is my iphone and i'm not sure if i can get pictures from my phone to this blog... i guess we'll find out!

for some reason, this trip so far (the airplane ride, going to the store, and eating dinner) has already been a very contemplative trip.  i'm just amazed at the world right now.  i'm not sure if i mean that in a good or bad way, but i am.  i'm amazed that people can be so nice and supportive to people they happen to sit by on the plane.  i'm amazed that random people can strike up a conversation with someone that probably looks like they don't wanna talk to anyone at all.  i'm amazed how hateful people can be of a belief system that practically mirrors theirs.  i'm amazed that people can think they're right in completely throwing away proven scientific facts.  i'm amazed that people love me enough to text me when they know i won't text back.  i'm amazed that people trust me so much.  i'm just... amazed at the world right now.

i stared at the sunset over the Pacific Ocean and thought to myself

"i feel infinite"

thank you, Stephen Chbosky



and thank YOU, i love you all.

-michael howell.

wallflower.

i'm becoming a sleeper.

i'm becoming a wallflower.

and i don't know if i care or not, cause because being a wallflower means

you'll never get hurt.



thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

summer.

i'm sick of everything i say on this blog being so negative and ugly. i really hope that you readers understand that i'm not a crazy depressed lunatic, but that i'm just trying to make sense of what's bothering me at any specific moment and put it into words, so i can deal with it.

and i guess that's what this post is about. cause sometimes i feel like people think i'm more depressed than i really am.

a post secret last week said it best:

 

cause i do have an amazing life. and i'm sick of feeling bad about things that i cannot control.

it's like i've turned into this depressed machine that spits all my bad thoughts and feeling out and keeps my good feelings in.  it makes me wear a jaded mask of all the bad things in my life and makes me more cynical and... douchey on the surface.  well no longer!  i will be happy with my life from now on.  i will smile and be happy and funny and caring.  because that is who i really am.  i really don't have anything i should be depressed about, so why bother feeling that way?  life is good.  and besides...

mistakes are in the past.

expierences are in the future.

not the other way around.



thank you, i love you all

-michael howell.

misleading.

it's just one of those days.

where everything reminds me of you.

i don't know what's worse, being the one with the broken heart or being the person that breaks hearts.

and i guess i don't know why or how we stopped loving each other...

all i know is i cried today. not because i miss you, not because i'm mad at you for anything. you know i forgive you.

maybe i cried because i know i'll never have someone as good as you again.



thank you for giving me all the time we had. being with you was the best decision i ever made. i'll always love you.

-michael howell.

the word no one wants to hear.

i've started this post about 50 times now and i can't think of how i'm going to say what i want to say without making things worse for everyone.

i wish i didn't have to save face in front of certain people.

but now that i think about it, why should i even try to save face? it's not like they'll ever read this blog, and even if they did i don't think they'd know i'm talking about them. and if they did, screw them

it's their fault in the first place.

so i'm just gonna say it, ready?

I FORGIVE YOU.

now you're probably wondering why that's such a bad thing to say to these certain people. well, you see, in this case, i'm about 95% sure these people don't feel like they need forgiveness.

they feel like I'M THE ONE AT FAULT.

but i'm not.
it's you.
i forgive you.
a million times, i forgive you.
deal with it.

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

i'm just wondering



does anyone ever read this anymore?

do i even know what the word "love" means?

does anyone?

would people still think me funny if i pulled a star out of the sky and gave it to them?

are people putting up walls around me, or am i doing it myself?

do i need to bury the past or remember it?

does anyone genuinely care about anyone, or is everyone out for themselves?



and such thoughts.

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.