needing.

hey guys.

it's late, like.. 1:15ish, and i just can't sleep.  i don't know what's going on, my internal clock must be out of batteries or something, but i'm just lying awake here, going through every thought that pops into my head with so much detail and scrutiny that i literally cannot stop thinking.

so, once again, i have no idea what i want to write about.  so here comes one of my famous "from thin air" posts.

i don't know, i guess the thoughts i really have on my mind are my inability to "go and do (you're welcome, LDS people)"  it seems like i just cannot stand up for myself, i can't do anything i want or say anything i want because i'm always worried about the outcome: what exactly are the reprocussions going to be?  i guess i'm just really really worried about rejection.  and i always have been; for example i had to ask at least three other people if my very first girlfriend liked me before i tried to hold her hand or anything.  it's just always something that i've lived with and i guess is who i am.  but now, since i'm a big boy adult that should demand to have things his way, i'm getting in trouble for not doing those things.  there's so many questions that need asking right now, there's so many things that i really need resolved in order to move on and i just can't.  because deep down, i think that i think of myself as worthless.  good for nothing.  and i really don't know why.  it's even weird typing this, because that's the first time i've thought of this this way, but i guess it's true.  i think that i've been kicked around a couple of times and i'm letting it hold me back from what needs to be said.  and maybe part of it is that i have so much to lose, that my ego has been bruised (barely) and i don't want that to happen again.  i don't know!  it's just... a weird thought that came across my head today.

so i guess what i need to do is realize how stupid these thoughts are and grow a pair.  take what i want.  because that's really what's best for me!...

right?

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.