shoulders.

hey guys.  i randomly came across this in my drafts folder and thought it was pretty powerful.  i wrote this on the 9th of september, 2012.  i don't know why i'm feeling the need to post this right now, but i am.  here ya go, hope you enjoy it, and maybe get something from it!



"Michael?"

"yes?"

"What's wrong?"

"what do you mean?  something's wrong?  I mean, no, nothing's wrong."

"Michael, I can tell something's wrong.  You wont look at me at all, I hardly hear from you anymore, it just seems like you wake up, leave the house, tell me you're going to work or school, then come home and hide away in your room, or in the basement, and shut down.  You never talk to me anymore, you hardly talk to anyone anymore.  I'm worried about you."

"what's to be worried about?  if you think about it, me staying quiet really isn't something new."

"And that's what scares me.  You know why that would scare me, we've done this before.  So you need to tell me, now, exactly what's going through your head.  What's holding you down.  Because we both know that just letting this nasty darkness fester in your mind will poison me against you and poison you against the world.  So please."

"it's not like that this time, ok?  just let it be.  i'm fine, i swear.  i swear."

"Why won't you look at me when you say that?"

"i don't know."

"Yes you do, dammit, you know that you wont look at me because the things you're saying and the things your feeling are completely opposite.  You're not fine, Michael!  What's wrong?!"

"leave it alone!  i mean, it's not a big deal, i told you, i'm fine!  why does it always have to be black and white with you, why can't you just accept that there's nothing more going on here than me just staying quiet for a tiny second?!"

"So you do admit that there's something going on."
"what?  i didn't say anything like that."

"You've said that nothing's wrong, now you're saying that whatever's going on is not a big deal.  Which is it?"

"it's not a big deal."

"If it's not a big deal, why can't we just talk about it?"

"i don't want to talk about it with you."

"You don't want to talk about it with me.  Can I ask why?"

"no, you can't."

"You realize I've always been there for you, right, Michael?  You realize that when everyone else left, or when you spat in everyone else's face and completely drove them away, I was the one you turned to?  What's changed that?"

"nothing.  i don't want to talk."

"Fine.  We wont talk."

"you want to know what's changed?  i can't believe you sometimes.  do you remember last time?  at all?"

"Of course I do.  I vividly remember everything, every second of-"

"then you remember what you said to me.  that night."

"Michael..."

"you told me that things could get better, if only i'd try.  you told me that there's hope for everyone in the world, including myself, and that my mistakes could be forgiven and i could be happy with myself again.  that maybe i could remember how to smile and remember what it was like to feel alive again.  but where am i now?  back where i started.  and you don't seem to care, do you?  you just let me run wild, let my vices burn holes in my stomach and my throat.  you told me to keep going, to try and make my life better-"

"And have you?"

"have i what?"

"Try to make things better in your life?  Can you look me in the eye and tell me that you've done your best to be happy again?"

"yes!  God dammit, yes!"

"Tell me.  What have you done to make your life better?"

"well... i'm going to school... i've been exploring the things i love again, trying to find the love i've had for people in my life again..."

"But have you given your whole heart to them?  Have you truly lost yourself in the things you love and the people you love?"

"i don't know."

"You don't remember what I said that night.  I said: 'Michael, things have been rough recently.  I know.  You've felt like nothing you've done has made you happier, or better.  But do you think that you can make yourself happier on your own?  Do you think that isolation really is what will make you happy?  Think back, remember a time when you were truly happy.  Were you alone?  No.  You were with your family, your friends.  And they were smiling.  Not just you.  Michael, you need to know that there is hope for everyone in this world.  Mistakes can be forgiven, you can be happy with yourself again, but not through yourself.  You can't do this alone.  You need the people around you, you need to lose yourself in them, and truly come to love them like you used to.  Like you want to.  Because love is the essence of happiness, and when the people you love are happy and smiling because you are in their lives, you will be happy too.'  It seems as if you only heard the part about you finding happiness for yourself, and didn't pay attention to how it's achieved."

"... i did what i thought would make me happy.  everything that others had told me would make me happy.  and it did make me happy, for a little bit.  but now that's all gone, and it's just you and me again.  i'm afraid.  and sick.  and i want to feel happy again."

"I know you do.  But you remember now, right?"

"i remember.  my happiness was never mine at all.  my happiness was everyone else's happiness."

"I don't know what the future will hold for you.  I don't know if tomorrow you'll forget everything I've said.  But I hope you don't.  And I will help you in any way I can.  Because you can be happy again.  I promise."

"i really wish i believed that."

"You will."



thank you, i love you all,
michael.

walls.

it's been more than 5 months since i've updated this blog.  sorry about that.  these last months have been some of the most trying and stressful times of my life, and the thought of this blog just never came to mind. 

here's the problem: i really don't know what to say.  back when i used to write in this blog or with my poetry or lyrics or whatever else, i'd usually just write a couple lines, find inspiration from them, and go from there.  but now, everything i write feels... fake?

i guess not fake, it just... doesn't connect with me anymore.  i feel like there's so many thought and emotions flowing through me at this point that nothing i could say or write could really represent exactly what i'm feeling right now.  what i'm going through.  hell, even this seems almost like someone else is writing this for me, just throwing my name at the bottom of the page and pretending.

it's a strange feeling.  i used to pride myself on how much i could feel.  i truly, deeply cared for myself and everyone around me.  i used to always want to help people, i always wanted to be able to make someone laugh or cheer someone up or just listen to someone and let them know they have someone they could connect to.

am i broken?

i lost a lot of people in my life in August.  people that i loved; people that i thought would be with me and love me back forever.  and maybe i'm feeling betrayed?  hurt?  all i know is i have my guard up right now.  i'm finding it hard to let anyone in.  which is really terrible because someone new came into my life very recently that deserves to know me; all of me.  and i want to be able to open up to this person and tell them everything about me.

how do you trust someone again?  and more importantly, how do you trust yourself to allow your walls to fall down?

as you can see, the old format for this blog is coming back.  thanks for reading, whoever else still does.

thank you, i love you all.

michael howell.

position of power.

hey guys.

i haven't written in a long time.  too long, probably, but i guess i don't really have a time frame on when i need to write on this thing, do i?   besides, does anyone really read this anymore anyway?

i don't know.  life can get pretty hard sometimes.  which is weird that i would be thinking like that.  i mean, i really have a great life right now.  it's summer, so that means no school (for at least a couple weeks or so), i'm in the best relationship of my life, and i'm going to be playing my dream role of Mark Cohen in RENT.  so why would i be feeling like there's still so much ahead of me?

i hate how the future isn't set in stone.  i hate that there's so much in my life that could still change, still drag me to any place or any one in the world.  lately i've been trying to grab control of my future.  i've been really starting to care about my school work and actively looking for the right job and everything for my future.  but i've been finding that the more i try and reach for my future, the more it slips away from me.  it's a scary thought, that ultimately, no matter what i do, my future could be completely different than the way i want it to be.

so, should i just be enjoying this moment?  or should i try my hardest to put myself into a position of power over my life?

thank you, i love you all.

-michael.

nice.

it's weird, cause i never write on either of my blogs unless something's going wrong in my life.  so i haven't posted in a long time.  it's been nice, really.

needing.

hey guys.

it's late, like.. 1:15ish, and i just can't sleep.  i don't know what's going on, my internal clock must be out of batteries or something, but i'm just lying awake here, going through every thought that pops into my head with so much detail and scrutiny that i literally cannot stop thinking.

so, once again, i have no idea what i want to write about.  so here comes one of my famous "from thin air" posts.

i don't know, i guess the thoughts i really have on my mind are my inability to "go and do (you're welcome, LDS people)"  it seems like i just cannot stand up for myself, i can't do anything i want or say anything i want because i'm always worried about the outcome: what exactly are the reprocussions going to be?  i guess i'm just really really worried about rejection.  and i always have been; for example i had to ask at least three other people if my very first girlfriend liked me before i tried to hold her hand or anything.  it's just always something that i've lived with and i guess is who i am.  but now, since i'm a big boy adult that should demand to have things his way, i'm getting in trouble for not doing those things.  there's so many questions that need asking right now, there's so many things that i really need resolved in order to move on and i just can't.  because deep down, i think that i think of myself as worthless.  good for nothing.  and i really don't know why.  it's even weird typing this, because that's the first time i've thought of this this way, but i guess it's true.  i think that i've been kicked around a couple of times and i'm letting it hold me back from what needs to be said.  and maybe part of it is that i have so much to lose, that my ego has been bruised (barely) and i don't want that to happen again.  i don't know!  it's just... a weird thought that came across my head today.

so i guess what i need to do is realize how stupid these thoughts are and grow a pair.  take what i want.  because that's really what's best for me!...

right?

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

music.

hey guys, i posted three new songs on my Facebook/ Reverbnation page that i'm really proud of!  if you would, could you take a little time and listen to them, then let me know what you think?  i'd really love feedback, be it good or bad!  thank you, i love you all!

-michael howell.

p.s. here's the link to my facebook page:

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Drifting-Down/165192860170347?sk=app_2405167945

update.

hey guys.

i haven't posted any kind of actual writing lately, just kinda thoughts that i've been having, so i guess i'll just take some time and tell you guys what's going on in my life right now!  ready?  drum roll please.... drrrrr.....

NOTHING!! 

which may sound no bueno, but i'm actually glad it's happened.  i don't know, i'm not really one to need to hang out with anyone to enjoy myself or have a fulfilled day, so while i miss my friends terribly, i know i'll see them again soon and i've been enjoying my alone time in the process.

that being said, i really do want to see everybody again, soon.  it's been far too long since we ALL went to Applebees and played bingo, just saying. ;)

anyways, besides that, school's finally over, and i have one final to look forward to.  i'm pretty sure i'll be fine, it seems to be a fairly easy one, so yay!

and lastly, i've been writing alot.  wether it be music or literature, i've just been constantly writing.  i don't know if you guys have seen my acoustic project's facebook page, but just search Drifting Down on facebook and you should see it!  anyways, i've been doing alot of writing for that and i hope to have both an album and a book done by next summer!  get excited!

i guess the one thing i would like to change in my life now is how little change actually happens.  it's just been the same routine for basically the entire semester, and i'd like to get out there and do something different.  i guess i do miss my friends, because i never knew what was going to happen when i was with them, which was exciting!  but i'd really, in my heart of hearts, love to just move away.  like, out of state away.  i'm looking into it, checking money, and i'm hoping to do it soon!

so yeah, there's a little update!  thank you, i love you all!

-michael howell.