3.26.2011
3.17.2011
REM's, Starcraft, and Jesus.
My dreams have been really interesting lately (at least to me).
I've been remembering my dreams every day for the past two weeks or so, and they all seem to have a similar theme. My dreams usually involve two groups of people: The group that has somehow wronged or condemned the other, and the group that is deeply affected by the first group's actions but loves them and forgives them for whatever they did. For example, my dream last night was about aliens (too much COD, Battle LA, and Starcraft I think). The aliens had driven mankind to the edge of extinction, planets had been destroyed and me along with fictional human and alien characters (that happen to look ALOT like the Protoss) await the final blow from the aliens to finally kill all of mankind. You'd think that myself and the humans would be really pissed at the aliens with us. Instead, mankind takes a high, more cliche filled route and forgives the aliens right before a giant laser shoots from a battlecruiser to wake me up. Incredibly nerdy, but it demonstrates the cartharses that run through my dreams lately.
You'd think I'd be happy with the theme of my dreams, but I'm not.
I usually disagree with them as I wake up, thinking the humans should have at least used ONE swear word or something! "Oh, yeah, we forgive you, but I still think you're a piece of shit!"
Or something to that affect.
Anyways, I'm just wondering what these dreams are supposed to tell me about my subconscious. Is my subconscious much more christlike then I believe? Or, and this is the theory that I believe, the one that scares me, is that it's showing me what I should be. What I can be. And when I return to myself in the morning, I automatically reject the charity and forgiveness I held so dear as a kid. I try very hard to be nice, to listen, to care, but it always seems to misfire and come back to hurt me. I know Karma is dead. I don't know. Sorry to ramble. But now you get a glimpse at my nerdy side and my lacking self confidence side. My treat ;) I love you all.
-Michael Howell
I've been remembering my dreams every day for the past two weeks or so, and they all seem to have a similar theme. My dreams usually involve two groups of people: The group that has somehow wronged or condemned the other, and the group that is deeply affected by the first group's actions but loves them and forgives them for whatever they did. For example, my dream last night was about aliens (too much COD, Battle LA, and Starcraft I think). The aliens had driven mankind to the edge of extinction, planets had been destroyed and me along with fictional human and alien characters (that happen to look ALOT like the Protoss) await the final blow from the aliens to finally kill all of mankind. You'd think that myself and the humans would be really pissed at the aliens with us. Instead, mankind takes a high, more cliche filled route and forgives the aliens right before a giant laser shoots from a battlecruiser to wake me up. Incredibly nerdy, but it demonstrates the cartharses that run through my dreams lately.
You'd think I'd be happy with the theme of my dreams, but I'm not.
I usually disagree with them as I wake up, thinking the humans should have at least used ONE swear word or something! "Oh, yeah, we forgive you, but I still think you're a piece of shit!"
Or something to that affect.
Anyways, I'm just wondering what these dreams are supposed to tell me about my subconscious. Is my subconscious much more christlike then I believe? Or, and this is the theory that I believe, the one that scares me, is that it's showing me what I should be. What I can be. And when I return to myself in the morning, I automatically reject the charity and forgiveness I held so dear as a kid. I try very hard to be nice, to listen, to care, but it always seems to misfire and come back to hurt me. I know Karma is dead. I don't know. Sorry to ramble. But now you get a glimpse at my nerdy side and my lacking self confidence side. My treat ;) I love you all.
-Michael Howell
2.27.2011
Moving On...
This week has brought some great changes to my life, and I'd just like to take a second and talk about them. I feel like I deserve to shout it from my blogging mountain top ;)
At the beginning of this week, I felt like I was going nowhere. I was stuck in a dead end job, all of my closest friends were out of the Salt Lake Valley, and I just felt like I had given up on living life. I felt like I was just going through the motions again, putting on a happy face so no one would bug me, and just keep going until I was kicked out of my house and faced with homelessness and starvation. So, not the best beginning of the week by any stretch of the imagination. Anyways, while I was at work on Tuesday, someone who I had worked with and I had come to love got laid off. Right then and there. She was a single mother of 2 that had no where else to turn, but she was laid off because she wasn't meeting the demanding schedule my bosses laid out for us. It got me thinking of the importance of having a stable job. I decided right then that I was not going to wait around for my turn to be laid off. I decided that I was going to dust off my dreams and goals from a couple years before and I was going to go back to school and receive my Bachelor's of Fine Arts in Musical Theater, with the eventual goal of becoming a high school drama teacher.
Why, you may ask? Well, if you'll allow me this tanget, theater is what defined my high school expierence. It gave me identity and something to look forward to every day of high school. I loved to perform and I had so many amazing opprotunities to do so. Plus, I don't know if I would've actually graduated high school unless Phaidra followed her rule on GPA and never let me fall underneath that, and for all that, I thank her so much. I wanted to do that for other kids.
The next four days were a desperate scramble to find exactly where I should go and how I'm going to pay for it, and to put it delicately, it's going to be one hell of a challenge. Dropping out of school costs alot, finanically as well as reputation and even self worth. But I haven't given up yet, I'm going to go back to school or die trying. I vowed to myself that I was not going to end up like the poor mother of two at my work, but that I was going to have a stable job and do what I love, teaching the art of theater to kids like me, that needed purpose in their life and turned to theater to find it.
I guess the whole point of all this is, people need to have purpose in their life, like what I found with theater in high school and throughout my college career. I've already felt the effects of having goals to work toward. I've been working out regularly for the past week and plan to AT LEAST until I go back to school, I've started making plans and not waiting till the last second to do so, and I just feel so much happier. Like I have a purpose. Which is the best feeling anyone can have. So, please, find some purpose in your own lives. Wether it be love, success, fame, whatever form that comes in, jump on the opprotunity to make a difference. It's the best thing anyone could do for themselves and others around them. Thank you so much, I love you all.
-Michael Howell
2.17.2011
My Book
So I wanted to take a couple seconds and announce, officially, that I'm writing a book. I've wanted to write a book ever since my mom first read me Charlotte's Web, and now I'm finally doing it! It's still in it's infancy, I'm still in the process of finding out who my main character is and how exactly to go about writing my book, but I'm loving it so far!
As far as writing style goes, I just finished an AMAZING book called The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky (If you haven't read that book, PLEASE PLEASE do). Anyways, The Perks of Being a Wallflower was written as if the main character was writing letters to you, the reader, calling you friend and suggesting you are someone he trusts because "...she said you would listen and understand and didn't try and sleep with that person at that party even though you could have." I've found through my experiments that writing in this format is the easiest and most effective for me. It gives you a sense of purpose while at the same time creates an environment of pure voice and expression for me. I hope Mr. Chbosky doesn't mind me stealing his format ;)
The first letter is done, it just needs a couple tweaks here and there, but suffice it to say that the book is underway, and I couldn't be more excited about it. Thank you, I love you all
-Michael Howell
As far as writing style goes, I just finished an AMAZING book called The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky (If you haven't read that book, PLEASE PLEASE do). Anyways, The Perks of Being a Wallflower was written as if the main character was writing letters to you, the reader, calling you friend and suggesting you are someone he trusts because "...she said you would listen and understand and didn't try and sleep with that person at that party even though you could have." I've found through my experiments that writing in this format is the easiest and most effective for me. It gives you a sense of purpose while at the same time creates an environment of pure voice and expression for me. I hope Mr. Chbosky doesn't mind me stealing his format ;)
The first letter is done, it just needs a couple tweaks here and there, but suffice it to say that the book is underway, and I couldn't be more excited about it. Thank you, I love you all
-Michael Howell
1.20.2011
This is, quite possibly, the cheesiest short story ever to be written, but I really enjoyed reading it and reliving the memories it was based off. This story is based on an idea I heard about in Wyoming. People go to train tracks and place pennies on the tracks to be flattened but the trains as they pass by. If you find you penny after it shoots out from under the train, your wish will come true. Romantic, huh? If you're in the mood for a cheesy love story, read on!
LIVE FOREVER
The orange streetlights and the low hanging moon reflected the glassy train tracks as the couple slowly walked toward them. Their laughs echoed across each other and rose above the dark night sky. Off to the right a tunnel appeared through the rocky mountain, an orange beacon through the darkness. He smiled with her and pulled her close. Their footsteps crushed gravel underfoot.
“How many times have you been here?” she asked as she shivered slightly.
“I come here all the time. It’s not like there’s anything else to do in this town.” He replied with a small laugh. He pulled his right hand over his body and took hers, leaving his left arm around her shoulders.
“It’s really… peaceful here. Like I’m the only person on the planet. I can come here and be completely alone. That’s why I like it here,” said Daniel, the boy. He sighed and looked across the tracks into the street beyond the fence. The street glowed yellow.
The girl, Rachel, looked up at him, “How many other people have you taken here?”
“You’re the first,” he replied, “D’you feel lucky?” She stared deep into his eyes, filling them full of meaning, then she smiled a crooked smile and said, “Yes. I do.” Daniel laughed and kissed her. A sweet kiss, nothing but love. They kept walking and reached the train tracks. Daniel pulled away from Rachel and reached into his pocket.
“Are you ready for this?” he asked.
“Y…Yes?” she hesitated. Daniel pulled his hand from his pocket and opened it. In his hand lay two pennies.
“They’re wish pennies.” Daniel said, pushing his hand toward her.
“What do I do with them?” asked Rachel, confused.
“You wish with them, silly!” Daniel laughed “You put them on the tracks and make a wish as the train goes by. Then, if you find your penny, your wish comes true!” Rachel smiled. Daniel handed her one of the pennies and grabbed her hand, leading her across two of the four sets of tracks.
“Ok, we gotta wait here and see which tracks the train’s coming down, because honestly, the longer we stay here, the better chance we have of being arrested.”
“What?” Rachel exclaimed, “This is illegal?”
“I know, it’s insane.” Daniel agreed. Daniel sat down on the tracks, the cold steel chilling him. Rachel coughed. Daniel looked up and gave her a confused look. Rachel gestured to the tracks and coughed again.
“Oh!” Daniel laughed. He pulled off his jacket and laid it on the tracks at her feet. She laughed and curtsied at Daniel, then turned and sat on the tracks. She rested her head on her shoulder and sighed.
“What?” Daniel asked with a small smile. She turned her head and looked at him.
“Nothing. Nothing at all.” Daniel smiled and stuck an arm behind her back and looked out onto the abandoned buildings in front of them.
“This used to be the busiest strip around,” he said, “I guess this was a big attraction for locals. There was a movie theater and an ice cream parlor and everything! Now it’s so peaceful. Like the buildings one day all said ‘We’ve had enough!’ And no one came back.”
“Wouldn’t that be nice?” asked Rachel, “To tell the world ‘I’ve had enough!’ And just be done, live in happiness forever?”
“You have no idea,” answered Daniel. He sighed then starting humming. Rachel started singing along with him:
“Buffalo gal, can you come out tonight, can you come out tonight, can you come out tonight?” Daniel smiled and looked down at Rachel. She looked back, then reached down and grabbed his large rough hand and put her hand inside. It fit perfectly.
“Do you want the moon, Mary?” winked Daniel. Rachel smiled and teased him with a push of the shoulder. They sat, listening to the crickets and the lonely pigeons that lit up the night. Then moon overhead circled the earth, calming presence. Their heartbeat pulsed together, unknown even to them. Rachel shuffled closer. She fit perfectly under Daniel’s broad shoulder. She sighed again and looked up into Daniel’s eyes. Daniel laughed again.
“What is it?” he asked. She hesitated.
“Doesn’t this seem… almost too perfect?” she questioned, “Like, it’s so perfect it’ll never last? I mean, where’s the conflict? I know it’s hiding out there somewhere.” Daniel hesitated in turn, then asked her:
“Does there always have to be a conflict? I mean, I care about you, you care about me, isn’t that enough? I know this will last, Rachel. I love you, I will always love you. No matter how far away we are, whatever words I say, this perfect feeling will last. Because this story is already finished. We already resolved it.”
Rachel smiled. “I love you too. Forever. You’re perfect.” In the distance, a train whistle sounded. Daniel leapt to his feet, grabbing Rachel and pulling her up too.
“It’s coming, quick! We don’t want to miss it!” Rachel rolled the cool penny in her fingers once.
“What if I already have everything I want?” Rachel scoffed.
“I’m sure you can find something to wish about! Just think!” he winked. Rachel hesitated, then set her penny down determinedly. Daniel set his down and pulled Rachel away as the train grew louder in the distance. Another whistle sounded. The headlights on the train shouted its arrival to the couple.
“It’s gonna get real loud in a sec!” Daniel yelled over the dominating sound of the train.
“Really? I didn’t notice!” laughed Rachel. Daniel gave her a playful shove and turned toward the train as it raced by. With two small click’s! the pennies shot out from underneath the wheels of the train. The wind rushed around them, throwing their clothes in disarray over their bodies. Rachel shivered.
“You should have warned me about the freezing breeze!” Rachel shouted. Daniel smiled and mouthed the word ‘Sorry,’ then pulled her into an embrace. He ran his hands up and down her back for awhile, then his right hand reached up and cradled her head in his palm. He whispered in her ear, barely audible.
“What did you wish for?”
“I can’t tell you or it won’t come true,” she whispered back.
“I’ll tell you what I wished for if you tell me first,” he replied.
“Ok, if you insist,” she whispered sarcastically, “I wished… I wished I could be with you forever.” Daniel pulled her closer, tighter, sighing. He opened his mouth, then closed it, opened it once more.
“Me too.” The caboose of the train finally whizzed by and Daniel and Rachel were left in their embrace. Neither letting go. They held each other for a long time, making silent promises to each other through their touch.
“If only someone had a camera,” Rachel whispered shyly. Daniel laughed. He pulled away from the embrace and looked at her.
“You’re so beautiful,” he said. Rachel’s eyes started to tear up and she smiled. She could see the reflection of her tears in Daniel’s eyes as a single drop of water fell from Daniel’s eyes. He sniffled and wiped away the tear. Their love faded into the night, where they told the world ‘I’ve had enough! I want to live in happiness forever!’ Their laughs echoed off each other and faded into the buildings that surrounded the tracks. No need for conflict. The two were perfectly happy, perfectly resolved. They were with each other for the night, they laughed together forever. They both found their pennies.
Thanks for reading, I love you all!
-Michael Howell
LIVE FOREVER
The orange streetlights and the low hanging moon reflected the glassy train tracks as the couple slowly walked toward them. Their laughs echoed across each other and rose above the dark night sky. Off to the right a tunnel appeared through the rocky mountain, an orange beacon through the darkness. He smiled with her and pulled her close. Their footsteps crushed gravel underfoot.
“How many times have you been here?” she asked as she shivered slightly.
“I come here all the time. It’s not like there’s anything else to do in this town.” He replied with a small laugh. He pulled his right hand over his body and took hers, leaving his left arm around her shoulders.
“It’s really… peaceful here. Like I’m the only person on the planet. I can come here and be completely alone. That’s why I like it here,” said Daniel, the boy. He sighed and looked across the tracks into the street beyond the fence. The street glowed yellow.
The girl, Rachel, looked up at him, “How many other people have you taken here?”
“You’re the first,” he replied, “D’you feel lucky?” She stared deep into his eyes, filling them full of meaning, then she smiled a crooked smile and said, “Yes. I do.” Daniel laughed and kissed her. A sweet kiss, nothing but love. They kept walking and reached the train tracks. Daniel pulled away from Rachel and reached into his pocket.
“Are you ready for this?” he asked.
“Y…Yes?” she hesitated. Daniel pulled his hand from his pocket and opened it. In his hand lay two pennies.
“They’re wish pennies.” Daniel said, pushing his hand toward her.
“What do I do with them?” asked Rachel, confused.
“You wish with them, silly!” Daniel laughed “You put them on the tracks and make a wish as the train goes by. Then, if you find your penny, your wish comes true!” Rachel smiled. Daniel handed her one of the pennies and grabbed her hand, leading her across two of the four sets of tracks.
“Ok, we gotta wait here and see which tracks the train’s coming down, because honestly, the longer we stay here, the better chance we have of being arrested.”
“What?” Rachel exclaimed, “This is illegal?”
“I know, it’s insane.” Daniel agreed. Daniel sat down on the tracks, the cold steel chilling him. Rachel coughed. Daniel looked up and gave her a confused look. Rachel gestured to the tracks and coughed again.
“Oh!” Daniel laughed. He pulled off his jacket and laid it on the tracks at her feet. She laughed and curtsied at Daniel, then turned and sat on the tracks. She rested her head on her shoulder and sighed.
“What?” Daniel asked with a small smile. She turned her head and looked at him.
“Nothing. Nothing at all.” Daniel smiled and stuck an arm behind her back and looked out onto the abandoned buildings in front of them.
“This used to be the busiest strip around,” he said, “I guess this was a big attraction for locals. There was a movie theater and an ice cream parlor and everything! Now it’s so peaceful. Like the buildings one day all said ‘We’ve had enough!’ And no one came back.”
“Wouldn’t that be nice?” asked Rachel, “To tell the world ‘I’ve had enough!’ And just be done, live in happiness forever?”
“You have no idea,” answered Daniel. He sighed then starting humming. Rachel started singing along with him:
“Buffalo gal, can you come out tonight, can you come out tonight, can you come out tonight?” Daniel smiled and looked down at Rachel. She looked back, then reached down and grabbed his large rough hand and put her hand inside. It fit perfectly.
“Do you want the moon, Mary?” winked Daniel. Rachel smiled and teased him with a push of the shoulder. They sat, listening to the crickets and the lonely pigeons that lit up the night. Then moon overhead circled the earth, calming presence. Their heartbeat pulsed together, unknown even to them. Rachel shuffled closer. She fit perfectly under Daniel’s broad shoulder. She sighed again and looked up into Daniel’s eyes. Daniel laughed again.
“What is it?” he asked. She hesitated.
“Doesn’t this seem… almost too perfect?” she questioned, “Like, it’s so perfect it’ll never last? I mean, where’s the conflict? I know it’s hiding out there somewhere.” Daniel hesitated in turn, then asked her:
“Does there always have to be a conflict? I mean, I care about you, you care about me, isn’t that enough? I know this will last, Rachel. I love you, I will always love you. No matter how far away we are, whatever words I say, this perfect feeling will last. Because this story is already finished. We already resolved it.”
Rachel smiled. “I love you too. Forever. You’re perfect.” In the distance, a train whistle sounded. Daniel leapt to his feet, grabbing Rachel and pulling her up too.
“It’s coming, quick! We don’t want to miss it!” Rachel rolled the cool penny in her fingers once.
“What if I already have everything I want?” Rachel scoffed.
“I’m sure you can find something to wish about! Just think!” he winked. Rachel hesitated, then set her penny down determinedly. Daniel set his down and pulled Rachel away as the train grew louder in the distance. Another whistle sounded. The headlights on the train shouted its arrival to the couple.
“It’s gonna get real loud in a sec!” Daniel yelled over the dominating sound of the train.
“Really? I didn’t notice!” laughed Rachel. Daniel gave her a playful shove and turned toward the train as it raced by. With two small click’s! the pennies shot out from underneath the wheels of the train. The wind rushed around them, throwing their clothes in disarray over their bodies. Rachel shivered.
“You should have warned me about the freezing breeze!” Rachel shouted. Daniel smiled and mouthed the word ‘Sorry,’ then pulled her into an embrace. He ran his hands up and down her back for awhile, then his right hand reached up and cradled her head in his palm. He whispered in her ear, barely audible.
“What did you wish for?”
“I can’t tell you or it won’t come true,” she whispered back.
“I’ll tell you what I wished for if you tell me first,” he replied.
“Ok, if you insist,” she whispered sarcastically, “I wished… I wished I could be with you forever.” Daniel pulled her closer, tighter, sighing. He opened his mouth, then closed it, opened it once more.
“Me too.” The caboose of the train finally whizzed by and Daniel and Rachel were left in their embrace. Neither letting go. They held each other for a long time, making silent promises to each other through their touch.
“If only someone had a camera,” Rachel whispered shyly. Daniel laughed. He pulled away from the embrace and looked at her.
“You’re so beautiful,” he said. Rachel’s eyes started to tear up and she smiled. She could see the reflection of her tears in Daniel’s eyes as a single drop of water fell from Daniel’s eyes. He sniffled and wiped away the tear. Their love faded into the night, where they told the world ‘I’ve had enough! I want to live in happiness forever!’ Their laughs echoed off each other and faded into the buildings that surrounded the tracks. No need for conflict. The two were perfectly happy, perfectly resolved. They were with each other for the night, they laughed together forever. They both found their pennies.
Thanks for reading, I love you all!
-Michael Howell
12.09.2010
Depression is not an easy thing to go through. Or talk about, for that matter, but I feel like now's a good time to do so. Depression is not just feeling really sad. Depression can come in many forms and many symptoms. Usually people with depression feel extreme sadness and emptiness throughout the day. Things that they used to love or enjoy now seem uninteresting. There are violent mood swings, they feel worthless, guilty, and empty. There are also physical symptoms of depression, such as rapid weight loss or gain, agitation, and fatigue. I tell you this because I've actually been diagnosed with depression. It's been something I've been having to live with for about a year now, and it's... not pleasant, to say the least. I felt like life wasn't really worth living. Unexplicably, I just felt empty. Worthless. It was a horrible time in my life. It's my hope that I can inspire my readers; either to understand exactly what someone with depression is really going through, or to help those suffering from depression. I've turned my life around. I'm taking medication, yes, but I believe that medication can only help so much. Depression is a mental illness, so you must use your mind to help overcome this dark and dangerous time in your life. Every day, I woke up and made a mental list of everything that made my life worth living that day, and whenever I would feel depressed I would focus on that list, and pretty soon the pain of depression lessened to a bearable extent. Yes, I do take medicine, and it has helped me leaps and bounds. I highly recommend using medication if you feel you need it. And lastly, I just wanted to say that what you're feeling when you're sad or empty or confused about anything, those feelings are a good thing. Without them, you couldn't expierence joy, and you couldn't be human. Feeling is what makes you, you. You're alive because you feel, and because you feel, other's lives are changed by that. I'm not sure exactly how well this was phrased, but I hope you get the message I'm trying to get across! I love you all, so much, and please talk to me if you need to talk to anyone at all.
-Michael Howell
P.S. I would like to qualify this poem with this statement: THE FEELING PORTRAYED IN THIS POEM ARE IN THE PAST. I can see how people would be worried after reading this poem, but let me reassure you, I'm in a great place right now. Also, I do condemn medication in this poem, but I can assure you that I love the medication, it's doing wonders for me, and I support anyone else using medication %100. Like I said, these feeling are in the past, and all I'm saying is that I didn't enjoy taking pills when I first started.
COMFORT
It's the feeling you get
when you realize
she's
gone forever
and you feel the sky
crashing down like a navy blue
skyline and the
snows of Wyoming and Utah
become such a monster
and wave of anger and
ice blue
that you curl up
next to the
ceiling and wait for
the sun to go down one night
and never come back
because you don't want it to
It's the feeling you get
when you don't eat, don't drink,
don't look and stranger in the eye
and a friend only in one eye
And you don't eat
but you shit so much one
hole can't do it for you,
so you puke this stuffing you ate
at Grandma's
four years ago and
you lie, to your friends, to your
family, your mentors,
You lie to yourself
but more importantly
lie to the people
who care for you the most and
you scream at them"Leave me to be!"
but the only one that
does
is yourself.
It's the feeling you get
when there's no more shit to
be spewed
just tears now
It's the feeling you get
when you wake up at dawn
and try to fall asleep again, because
a dream is called a dream
for a reason
and in that solace you
can make something
much better
than snow and
false smiles, and these dreams
are so inviting the
real world becomes a dream,
and you sleep for 22 hours a day
because you don't
ever want or expect to escape
a dream you've been having for 2 months now.
It's the feeling you get
when you look out
your windown
and in
your ex's eyes
and you see the same
white lines of snow
swirl over nothing at all
It's the feeling you get
when you walk into his
office,
and he smiles and laughs
and you think he cares
until you see
his tongue
holding in a laugh
and his throat writing
CRAZY
on the white board
and all he thinks to do is say
your brain is wrong.
You.
Are.
Wrong.
And he fills a bottle
with little
peach pills and says
come see me in a month.
You don't feel
when you swallow one
pill after another
because
you're not supposed to
and you can't complain
because you fuckin'
asked for it
so day after day
your stomach weakens
but your tear ducts
are as strong as ever
and all the while
you don't see
your brain shutting down.
And with these pills
You feel. Nothing.
Not misery, not happiness,
not ice blue, not green,
Nothing. You slowly
fall
and at first you could see where you
were going to land, but now
it's faded too. All you see
are her eyes. And hers.
But don't care.
it's comfortable here.
But just as you're about to
close your eyes for good
you see a mirror, and in the
mirror you're crying.
And you reach up
and feel tears sliding
down your frown lines
Why?
Because where you are,
that's not happiness.
That's a shell full of
snow and dreams of where you could be.
It's the feeling you get
when you feel again
because feeling nothing is
wrose that feeling misery and
there must be a day
for a night and
an ocean to be land.
The ocean can reflect your
mountains all it wants
but climbing them and looking
at the horizion is so much
better than being
a reflection.
-Michael Howell
P.S. I would like to qualify this poem with this statement: THE FEELING PORTRAYED IN THIS POEM ARE IN THE PAST. I can see how people would be worried after reading this poem, but let me reassure you, I'm in a great place right now. Also, I do condemn medication in this poem, but I can assure you that I love the medication, it's doing wonders for me, and I support anyone else using medication %100. Like I said, these feeling are in the past, and all I'm saying is that I didn't enjoy taking pills when I first started.
COMFORT
It's the feeling you get
when you realize
she's
gone forever
and you feel the sky
crashing down like a navy blue
skyline and the
snows of Wyoming and Utah
become such a monster
and wave of anger and
ice blue
that you curl up
next to the
ceiling and wait for
the sun to go down one night
and never come back
because you don't want it to
It's the feeling you get
when you don't eat, don't drink,
don't look and stranger in the eye
and a friend only in one eye
And you don't eat
but you shit so much one
hole can't do it for you,
so you puke this stuffing you ate
at Grandma's
four years ago and
you lie, to your friends, to your
family, your mentors,
You lie to yourself
but more importantly
lie to the people
who care for you the most and
you scream at them"Leave me to be!"
but the only one that
does
is yourself.
It's the feeling you get
when there's no more shit to
be spewed
just tears now
It's the feeling you get
when you wake up at dawn
and try to fall asleep again, because
a dream is called a dream
for a reason
and in that solace you
can make something
much better
than snow and
false smiles, and these dreams
are so inviting the
real world becomes a dream,
and you sleep for 22 hours a day
because you don't
ever want or expect to escape
a dream you've been having for 2 months now.
It's the feeling you get
when you look out
your windown
and in
your ex's eyes
and you see the same
white lines of snow
swirl over nothing at all
It's the feeling you get
when you walk into his
office,
and he smiles and laughs
and you think he cares
until you see
his tongue
holding in a laugh
and his throat writing
CRAZY
on the white board
and all he thinks to do is say
your brain is wrong.
You.
Are.
Wrong.
And he fills a bottle
with little
peach pills and says
come see me in a month.
You don't feel
when you swallow one
pill after another
because
you're not supposed to
and you can't complain
because you fuckin'
asked for it
so day after day
your stomach weakens
but your tear ducts
are as strong as ever
and all the while
you don't see
your brain shutting down.
And with these pills
You feel. Nothing.
Not misery, not happiness,
not ice blue, not green,
Nothing. You slowly
fall
and at first you could see where you
were going to land, but now
it's faded too. All you see
are her eyes. And hers.
But don't care.
it's comfortable here.
But just as you're about to
close your eyes for good
you see a mirror, and in the
mirror you're crying.
And you reach up
and feel tears sliding
down your frown lines
Why?
Because where you are,
that's not happiness.
That's a shell full of
snow and dreams of where you could be.
It's the feeling you get
when you feel again
because feeling nothing is
wrose that feeling misery and
there must be a day
for a night and
an ocean to be land.
The ocean can reflect your
mountains all it wants
but climbing them and looking
at the horizion is so much
better than being
a reflection.
12.05.2010
What does the word "success" mean? Does it mean money? Fame? Family? There are SO MANY ways to define success that there are four immediate definitions on Google and every one of them are just as vague and meaningless as the next. There is no universal way to define success, so we must resort to the next best thing, find out what it means for ourselves to succeed and try as hard as we can to acheive it. Success cannot be determined by anyone else but you, so don't LET anyone tell you what that should mean to you. If success to you means becoming rich and living in Beverly Hills, don't let me tell you that's not what success is, because in your reality, you are right and I am wrong (and vice versa). For me, success does not mean riches or anything close to that. Success to me is being able to change someone else's life for the better. I want to live to change people. The times that I've felt most successful was when I've been in love. Every day, I knew I was making a difference in their lives just by living, and that is such a great feeling. Unfortunately, until I'm married, I will never acheive that feeling every day, which for now is fine. I can live with that. What I do now is try to write, either in song, poem, or even on this blog just to try and change your life. I remember another time when I felt so successful. Joel, Dylyn, and I (all members of the band Echoed Illusions) all went to an acoustic performance of the band Coheed and Cambria. We were standing toward the back, trying to escape the sea of people crowding the stage, when a kid we'd never met leaned over and asked "Hey, are you guys Echoed Illusions?" We answered yes, and he said "I saw you guys play at the U the other day. I really liked what I heard!" Even that small, insignificant scentence really made my day. Just to have someone remember me and appreciate my band made me feel successful. I hope one day I can play my songs or read my poems to big audiences just so people can smile for the night and have a good time. So to me, success is being able to affect the lives of as many people as I can. What does success mean to you? Find out, and pursue that dream as hard and as fast as you can. I love you all.
-Michael Howell
-Michael Howell
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