walls.

it's been more than 5 months since i've updated this blog.  sorry about that.  these last months have been some of the most trying and stressful times of my life, and the thought of this blog just never came to mind. 

here's the problem: i really don't know what to say.  back when i used to write in this blog or with my poetry or lyrics or whatever else, i'd usually just write a couple lines, find inspiration from them, and go from there.  but now, everything i write feels... fake?

i guess not fake, it just... doesn't connect with me anymore.  i feel like there's so many thought and emotions flowing through me at this point that nothing i could say or write could really represent exactly what i'm feeling right now.  what i'm going through.  hell, even this seems almost like someone else is writing this for me, just throwing my name at the bottom of the page and pretending.

it's a strange feeling.  i used to pride myself on how much i could feel.  i truly, deeply cared for myself and everyone around me.  i used to always want to help people, i always wanted to be able to make someone laugh or cheer someone up or just listen to someone and let them know they have someone they could connect to.

am i broken?

i lost a lot of people in my life in August.  people that i loved; people that i thought would be with me and love me back forever.  and maybe i'm feeling betrayed?  hurt?  all i know is i have my guard up right now.  i'm finding it hard to let anyone in.  which is really terrible because someone new came into my life very recently that deserves to know me; all of me.  and i want to be able to open up to this person and tell them everything about me.

how do you trust someone again?  and more importantly, how do you trust yourself to allow your walls to fall down?

as you can see, the old format for this blog is coming back.  thanks for reading, whoever else still does.

thank you, i love you all.

michael howell.

position of power.

hey guys.

i haven't written in a long time.  too long, probably, but i guess i don't really have a time frame on when i need to write on this thing, do i?   besides, does anyone really read this anymore anyway?

i don't know.  life can get pretty hard sometimes.  which is weird that i would be thinking like that.  i mean, i really have a great life right now.  it's summer, so that means no school (for at least a couple weeks or so), i'm in the best relationship of my life, and i'm going to be playing my dream role of Mark Cohen in RENT.  so why would i be feeling like there's still so much ahead of me?

i hate how the future isn't set in stone.  i hate that there's so much in my life that could still change, still drag me to any place or any one in the world.  lately i've been trying to grab control of my future.  i've been really starting to care about my school work and actively looking for the right job and everything for my future.  but i've been finding that the more i try and reach for my future, the more it slips away from me.  it's a scary thought, that ultimately, no matter what i do, my future could be completely different than the way i want it to be.

so, should i just be enjoying this moment?  or should i try my hardest to put myself into a position of power over my life?

thank you, i love you all.

-michael.

nice.

it's weird, cause i never write on either of my blogs unless something's going wrong in my life.  so i haven't posted in a long time.  it's been nice, really.

needing.

hey guys.

it's late, like.. 1:15ish, and i just can't sleep.  i don't know what's going on, my internal clock must be out of batteries or something, but i'm just lying awake here, going through every thought that pops into my head with so much detail and scrutiny that i literally cannot stop thinking.

so, once again, i have no idea what i want to write about.  so here comes one of my famous "from thin air" posts.

i don't know, i guess the thoughts i really have on my mind are my inability to "go and do (you're welcome, LDS people)"  it seems like i just cannot stand up for myself, i can't do anything i want or say anything i want because i'm always worried about the outcome: what exactly are the reprocussions going to be?  i guess i'm just really really worried about rejection.  and i always have been; for example i had to ask at least three other people if my very first girlfriend liked me before i tried to hold her hand or anything.  it's just always something that i've lived with and i guess is who i am.  but now, since i'm a big boy adult that should demand to have things his way, i'm getting in trouble for not doing those things.  there's so many questions that need asking right now, there's so many things that i really need resolved in order to move on and i just can't.  because deep down, i think that i think of myself as worthless.  good for nothing.  and i really don't know why.  it's even weird typing this, because that's the first time i've thought of this this way, but i guess it's true.  i think that i've been kicked around a couple of times and i'm letting it hold me back from what needs to be said.  and maybe part of it is that i have so much to lose, that my ego has been bruised (barely) and i don't want that to happen again.  i don't know!  it's just... a weird thought that came across my head today.

so i guess what i need to do is realize how stupid these thoughts are and grow a pair.  take what i want.  because that's really what's best for me!...

right?

thank you, i love you all.

-michael howell.

music.

hey guys, i posted three new songs on my Facebook/ Reverbnation page that i'm really proud of!  if you would, could you take a little time and listen to them, then let me know what you think?  i'd really love feedback, be it good or bad!  thank you, i love you all!

-michael howell.

p.s. here's the link to my facebook page:

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Drifting-Down/165192860170347?sk=app_2405167945

update.

hey guys.

i haven't posted any kind of actual writing lately, just kinda thoughts that i've been having, so i guess i'll just take some time and tell you guys what's going on in my life right now!  ready?  drum roll please.... drrrrr.....

NOTHING!! 

which may sound no bueno, but i'm actually glad it's happened.  i don't know, i'm not really one to need to hang out with anyone to enjoy myself or have a fulfilled day, so while i miss my friends terribly, i know i'll see them again soon and i've been enjoying my alone time in the process.

that being said, i really do want to see everybody again, soon.  it's been far too long since we ALL went to Applebees and played bingo, just saying. ;)

anyways, besides that, school's finally over, and i have one final to look forward to.  i'm pretty sure i'll be fine, it seems to be a fairly easy one, so yay!

and lastly, i've been writing alot.  wether it be music or literature, i've just been constantly writing.  i don't know if you guys have seen my acoustic project's facebook page, but just search Drifting Down on facebook and you should see it!  anyways, i've been doing alot of writing for that and i hope to have both an album and a book done by next summer!  get excited!

i guess the one thing i would like to change in my life now is how little change actually happens.  it's just been the same routine for basically the entire semester, and i'd like to get out there and do something different.  i guess i do miss my friends, because i never knew what was going to happen when i was with them, which was exciting!  but i'd really, in my heart of hearts, love to just move away.  like, out of state away.  i'm looking into it, checking money, and i'm hoping to do it soon!

so yeah, there's a little update!  thank you, i love you all!

-michael howell.

i can't.

i wish i could say life is perfect
but it's not
i wish i could say that i'm always happy, always smiling,
but i'm not.
i wish i could tell you i never live in the past,
but i can't.
i wish i could act the way you all want me to
but i can't.
i wish i knew the right words to say
but i don't.
i wish i had everything everyone ever needed from me
but i don't.
i wish i could just forget all this, move on
but i can't.