“This much I'm certain of: it doesn't happen immediately. You'll finish [the book] and that will be that, until a moment will come, maybe in a month, maybe a year, maybe even several years. You'll be sick or feeling troubled or deeply in love or quietly uncertain or even content for the first time in your life. It won't matter. Out of the blue, beyond any cause you can trace, you'll suddenly realize things are not how you perceived them to be at all. For some reason, you will no longer be the person you believed you once were. You'll detect slow and subtle shifts going on all around you, more importantly shifts in you. Worse, you'll realize it's always been shifting, like a shimmer of sorts, a vast shimmer, only dark like a room. But you won't understand why or how. You'll have forgotten what granted you this awareness in the first place.
You might try then, as I did, to find a sky so full of stars it will blind you again. Only no sky can blind you now. Even with all that iridescent magic up there, your eye will no longer linger on the light, it will no longer trace constellations. You'll care only about the darkness and you'll watch it for hours, for days, maybe even for years, trying in vain to believe you're some kind of indispensable, universe-appointed sentinel, as if just by looking you could actually keep it all at bay. It will get so bad you'll be afraid to look away, you'll be afraid to sleep.
Then no matter where you are, in a crowded restaurant or on some desolate street or even in the comforts of your own home, you'll watch yourself dismantle every assurance you ever lived by. You'll stand aside as a great complexity intrudes, tearing apart, piece by piece, all of your carefully conceived denials, whether deliberate or unconscious. And then for better or worse you'll turn, unable to resist, though try to resist you still will, fighting with everything you've got not to face the thing you most dread, what is now, what will be, what has always come before, the creature you truly are, the creature we all are, buried in the nameless black of a name.
And then the nightmares will begin.”
this is a quote from House of Leaves. i still get shivers when i read this. because every time i read this, i realize that this process, this change, never stops for anyone. this perpetual self mutilation, this dismantling of everything you are has been on this earth since the beginning and will continue on long after we die. it just makes me wonder if anyone is ever truly themselves. who they think they are, who they say they are, who they are. it's never really them. it's never really me. once sure footing seems unstable when i read this. what's known become unknowable. what's dark becomes uncanny. what's real becomes the dark at the end of the hallway, the bottom of a spiral staircase... the end of an infinite maze.
thank you, i love you all.
michael.
9.10.2013
4.12.2013
moments before the wind.
re-re-re-re reading this book called House of Leaves. it's one of the most artistically beautiful books i've ever read. it's amazing to me that this book can feel creepy, downright scary, cathartic, loving, tragic, and hopeful, all at the same time. if any of you have not read it, i'd suggest you do so immediately, you will not be disappointed. anyway, here are some of my favorite quotes from the book. probably a throwaway post, i know, but i think you can find some kind of beauty in these words.
“It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it's mine.”
“What can I say, I'm a sucker for abandoned stuff, misplaced stuff, forgotten stuff, any old stuff which despite the light of progress and all that, still vanishes every day like shadows at noon, goings unheralded, passings unmourned, well, you get the drift.
As a counselor once told me -a counselor for Disaffected Yought, I might add: "You like that crap because it reminds you of you." Couldn't of said it better or put it more bluntly. Don't even disagree with it either.”
“Little solace comes
to those who grieve
when thoughts keep drifting
as walls keep shifting
and this great blue world of ours
seems a house of leaves
moments before the wind.”
to those who grieve
when thoughts keep drifting
as walls keep shifting
and this great blue world of ours
seems a house of leaves
moments before the wind.”
“I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I'm not. No one ever really gets used to nightmares.”
“For some reason, you will no longer be the person you believed you once were. You'll detect slow and subtle shifts going on all around you, more importantly shifts in you. Worse, you'll realize it's always been shifting, like a shimmer of sorts, a vast shimmer, only dark like a room. But you won't understand why or how.”
“Here then at long last is my darkness. No cry of light, no glimmer, not even the faintest shard of hope to break free across the hold.”
“I took my morning walk, I took my evening walk, I ate something, I thought about something, I wrote, I napped and dreamt something too, and with all that something, I still have nothing because so much of sum’thing has always been and always will be you. I love you.”
“Love of love written by the broken hearted, love of life written by the dead.”
thank you, i love you all.
michael.
3.21.2013
shoulders.
hey guys. i randomly came across this in my drafts folder and thought it was pretty powerful. i wrote this on the 9th of september, 2012. i don't know why i'm feeling the need to post this right now, but i am. here ya go, hope you enjoy it, and maybe get something from it!
"Michael?"
"yes?"
"What's wrong?"
"what do you mean? something's wrong? I mean, no, nothing's wrong."
"Michael, I can tell something's wrong. You wont look at me at all, I hardly hear from you anymore, it just seems like you wake up, leave the house, tell me you're going to work or school, then come home and hide away in your room, or in the basement, and shut down. You never talk to me anymore, you hardly talk to anyone anymore. I'm worried about you."
"what's to be worried about? if you think about it, me staying quiet really isn't something new."
"And that's what scares me. You know why that would scare me, we've done this before. So you need to tell me, now, exactly what's going through your head. What's holding you down. Because we both know that just letting this nasty darkness fester in your mind will poison me against you and poison you against the world. So please."
"it's not like that this time, ok? just let it be. i'm fine, i swear. i swear."
"Why won't you look at me when you say that?"
"i don't know."
"Yes you do, dammit, you know that you wont look at me because the things you're saying and the things your feeling are completely opposite. You're not fine, Michael! What's wrong?!"
"leave it alone! i mean, it's not a big deal, i told you, i'm fine! why does it always have to be black and white with you, why can't you just accept that there's nothing more going on here than me just staying quiet for a tiny second?!"
"So you do admit that there's something going on."
"what? i didn't say anything like that."
"You've said that nothing's wrong, now you're saying that whatever's going on is not a big deal. Which is it?"
"it's not a big deal."
"If it's not a big deal, why can't we just talk about it?"
"i don't want to talk about it with you."
"You don't want to talk about it with me. Can I ask why?"
"no, you can't."
"You realize I've always been there for you, right, Michael? You realize that when everyone else left, or when you spat in everyone else's face and completely drove them away, I was the one you turned to? What's changed that?"
"nothing. i don't want to talk."
"Fine. We wont talk."
"you want to know what's changed? i can't believe you sometimes. do you remember last time? at all?"
"Of course I do. I vividly remember everything, every second of-"
"then you remember what you said to me. that night."
"Michael..."
"you told me that things could get better, if only i'd try. you told me that there's hope for everyone in the world, including myself, and that my mistakes could be forgiven and i could be happy with myself again. that maybe i could remember how to smile and remember what it was like to feel alive again. but where am i now? back where i started. and you don't seem to care, do you? you just let me run wild, let my vices burn holes in my stomach and my throat. you told me to keep going, to try and make my life better-"
"And have you?"
"have i what?"
"Try to make things better in your life? Can you look me in the eye and tell me that you've done your best to be happy again?"
"yes! God dammit, yes!"
"Tell me. What have you done to make your life better?"
"well... i'm going to school... i've been exploring the things i love again, trying to find the love i've had for people in my life again..."
"But have you given your whole heart to them? Have you truly lost yourself in the things you love and the people you love?"
"i don't know."
"You don't remember what I said that night. I said: 'Michael, things have been rough recently. I know. You've felt like nothing you've done has made you happier, or better. But do you think that you can make yourself happier on your own? Do you think that isolation really is what will make you happy? Think back, remember a time when you were truly happy. Were you alone? No. You were with your family, your friends. And they were smiling. Not just you. Michael, you need to know that there is hope for everyone in this world. Mistakes can be forgiven, you can be happy with yourself again, but not through yourself. You can't do this alone. You need the people around you, you need to lose yourself in them, and truly come to love them like you used to. Like you want to. Because love is the essence of happiness, and when the people you love are happy and smiling because you are in their lives, you will be happy too.' It seems as if you only heard the part about you finding happiness for yourself, and didn't pay attention to how it's achieved."
"... i did what i thought would make me happy. everything that others had told me would make me happy. and it did make me happy, for a little bit. but now that's all gone, and it's just you and me again. i'm afraid. and sick. and i want to feel happy again."
"I know you do. But you remember now, right?"
"i remember. my happiness was never mine at all. my happiness was everyone else's happiness."
"I don't know what the future will hold for you. I don't know if tomorrow you'll forget everything I've said. But I hope you don't. And I will help you in any way I can. Because you can be happy again. I promise."
"i really wish i believed that."
"You will."
thank you, i love you all,
michael.
"Michael?"
"yes?"
"What's wrong?"
"what do you mean? something's wrong? I mean, no, nothing's wrong."
"Michael, I can tell something's wrong. You wont look at me at all, I hardly hear from you anymore, it just seems like you wake up, leave the house, tell me you're going to work or school, then come home and hide away in your room, or in the basement, and shut down. You never talk to me anymore, you hardly talk to anyone anymore. I'm worried about you."
"what's to be worried about? if you think about it, me staying quiet really isn't something new."
"And that's what scares me. You know why that would scare me, we've done this before. So you need to tell me, now, exactly what's going through your head. What's holding you down. Because we both know that just letting this nasty darkness fester in your mind will poison me against you and poison you against the world. So please."
"it's not like that this time, ok? just let it be. i'm fine, i swear. i swear."
"Why won't you look at me when you say that?"
"i don't know."
"Yes you do, dammit, you know that you wont look at me because the things you're saying and the things your feeling are completely opposite. You're not fine, Michael! What's wrong?!"
"leave it alone! i mean, it's not a big deal, i told you, i'm fine! why does it always have to be black and white with you, why can't you just accept that there's nothing more going on here than me just staying quiet for a tiny second?!"
"So you do admit that there's something going on."
"what? i didn't say anything like that."
"You've said that nothing's wrong, now you're saying that whatever's going on is not a big deal. Which is it?"
"it's not a big deal."
"If it's not a big deal, why can't we just talk about it?"
"i don't want to talk about it with you."
"You don't want to talk about it with me. Can I ask why?"
"no, you can't."
"You realize I've always been there for you, right, Michael? You realize that when everyone else left, or when you spat in everyone else's face and completely drove them away, I was the one you turned to? What's changed that?"
"nothing. i don't want to talk."
"Fine. We wont talk."
"you want to know what's changed? i can't believe you sometimes. do you remember last time? at all?"
"Of course I do. I vividly remember everything, every second of-"
"then you remember what you said to me. that night."
"Michael..."
"you told me that things could get better, if only i'd try. you told me that there's hope for everyone in the world, including myself, and that my mistakes could be forgiven and i could be happy with myself again. that maybe i could remember how to smile and remember what it was like to feel alive again. but where am i now? back where i started. and you don't seem to care, do you? you just let me run wild, let my vices burn holes in my stomach and my throat. you told me to keep going, to try and make my life better-"
"And have you?"
"have i what?"
"Try to make things better in your life? Can you look me in the eye and tell me that you've done your best to be happy again?"
"yes! God dammit, yes!"
"Tell me. What have you done to make your life better?"
"well... i'm going to school... i've been exploring the things i love again, trying to find the love i've had for people in my life again..."
"But have you given your whole heart to them? Have you truly lost yourself in the things you love and the people you love?"
"i don't know."
"You don't remember what I said that night. I said: 'Michael, things have been rough recently. I know. You've felt like nothing you've done has made you happier, or better. But do you think that you can make yourself happier on your own? Do you think that isolation really is what will make you happy? Think back, remember a time when you were truly happy. Were you alone? No. You were with your family, your friends. And they were smiling. Not just you. Michael, you need to know that there is hope for everyone in this world. Mistakes can be forgiven, you can be happy with yourself again, but not through yourself. You can't do this alone. You need the people around you, you need to lose yourself in them, and truly come to love them like you used to. Like you want to. Because love is the essence of happiness, and when the people you love are happy and smiling because you are in their lives, you will be happy too.' It seems as if you only heard the part about you finding happiness for yourself, and didn't pay attention to how it's achieved."
"... i did what i thought would make me happy. everything that others had told me would make me happy. and it did make me happy, for a little bit. but now that's all gone, and it's just you and me again. i'm afraid. and sick. and i want to feel happy again."
"I know you do. But you remember now, right?"
"i remember. my happiness was never mine at all. my happiness was everyone else's happiness."
"I don't know what the future will hold for you. I don't know if tomorrow you'll forget everything I've said. But I hope you don't. And I will help you in any way I can. Because you can be happy again. I promise."
"i really wish i believed that."
"You will."
thank you, i love you all,
michael.
12.05.2012
walls.
it's been more than 5 months since i've updated this blog. sorry about that. these last months have been some of the most trying and stressful times of my life, and the thought of this blog just never came to mind.
here's the problem: i really don't know what to say. back when i used to write in this blog or with my poetry or lyrics or whatever else, i'd usually just write a couple lines, find inspiration from them, and go from there. but now, everything i write feels... fake?
i guess not fake, it just... doesn't connect with me anymore. i feel like there's so many thought and emotions flowing through me at this point that nothing i could say or write could really represent exactly what i'm feeling right now. what i'm going through. hell, even this seems almost like someone else is writing this for me, just throwing my name at the bottom of the page and pretending.
it's a strange feeling. i used to pride myself on how much i could feel. i truly, deeply cared for myself and everyone around me. i used to always want to help people, i always wanted to be able to make someone laugh or cheer someone up or just listen to someone and let them know they have someone they could connect to.
am i broken?
i lost a lot of people in my life in August. people that i loved; people that i thought would be with me and love me back forever. and maybe i'm feeling betrayed? hurt? all i know is i have my guard up right now. i'm finding it hard to let anyone in. which is really terrible because someone new came into my life very recently that deserves to know me; all of me. and i want to be able to open up to this person and tell them everything about me.
how do you trust someone again? and more importantly, how do you trust yourself to allow your walls to fall down?
as you can see, the old format for this blog is coming back. thanks for reading, whoever else still does.
thank you, i love you all.
michael howell.
here's the problem: i really don't know what to say. back when i used to write in this blog or with my poetry or lyrics or whatever else, i'd usually just write a couple lines, find inspiration from them, and go from there. but now, everything i write feels... fake?
i guess not fake, it just... doesn't connect with me anymore. i feel like there's so many thought and emotions flowing through me at this point that nothing i could say or write could really represent exactly what i'm feeling right now. what i'm going through. hell, even this seems almost like someone else is writing this for me, just throwing my name at the bottom of the page and pretending.
it's a strange feeling. i used to pride myself on how much i could feel. i truly, deeply cared for myself and everyone around me. i used to always want to help people, i always wanted to be able to make someone laugh or cheer someone up or just listen to someone and let them know they have someone they could connect to.
am i broken?
i lost a lot of people in my life in August. people that i loved; people that i thought would be with me and love me back forever. and maybe i'm feeling betrayed? hurt? all i know is i have my guard up right now. i'm finding it hard to let anyone in. which is really terrible because someone new came into my life very recently that deserves to know me; all of me. and i want to be able to open up to this person and tell them everything about me.
how do you trust someone again? and more importantly, how do you trust yourself to allow your walls to fall down?
as you can see, the old format for this blog is coming back. thanks for reading, whoever else still does.
thank you, i love you all.
michael howell.
5.27.2012
position of power.
hey guys.
i haven't written in a long time. too long, probably, but i guess i don't really have a time frame on when i need to write on this thing, do i? besides, does anyone really read this anymore anyway?
i don't know. life can get pretty hard sometimes. which is weird that i would be thinking like that. i mean, i really have a great life right now. it's summer, so that means no school (for at least a couple weeks or so), i'm in the best relationship of my life, and i'm going to be playing my dream role of Mark Cohen in RENT. so why would i be feeling like there's still so much ahead of me?
i hate how the future isn't set in stone. i hate that there's so much in my life that could still change, still drag me to any place or any one in the world. lately i've been trying to grab control of my future. i've been really starting to care about my school work and actively looking for the right job and everything for my future. but i've been finding that the more i try and reach for my future, the more it slips away from me. it's a scary thought, that ultimately, no matter what i do, my future could be completely different than the way i want it to be.
so, should i just be enjoying this moment? or should i try my hardest to put myself into a position of power over my life?
thank you, i love you all.
-michael.
i haven't written in a long time. too long, probably, but i guess i don't really have a time frame on when i need to write on this thing, do i? besides, does anyone really read this anymore anyway?
i don't know. life can get pretty hard sometimes. which is weird that i would be thinking like that. i mean, i really have a great life right now. it's summer, so that means no school (for at least a couple weeks or so), i'm in the best relationship of my life, and i'm going to be playing my dream role of Mark Cohen in RENT. so why would i be feeling like there's still so much ahead of me?
i hate how the future isn't set in stone. i hate that there's so much in my life that could still change, still drag me to any place or any one in the world. lately i've been trying to grab control of my future. i've been really starting to care about my school work and actively looking for the right job and everything for my future. but i've been finding that the more i try and reach for my future, the more it slips away from me. it's a scary thought, that ultimately, no matter what i do, my future could be completely different than the way i want it to be.
so, should i just be enjoying this moment? or should i try my hardest to put myself into a position of power over my life?
thank you, i love you all.
-michael.
1.20.2012
nice.
it's weird, cause i never write on either of my blogs unless something's going wrong in my life. so i haven't posted in a long time. it's been nice, really.
12.14.2011
needing.
hey guys.
it's late, like.. 1:15ish, and i just can't sleep. i don't know what's going on, my internal clock must be out of batteries or something, but i'm just lying awake here, going through every thought that pops into my head with so much detail and scrutiny that i literally cannot stop thinking.
so, once again, i have no idea what i want to write about. so here comes one of my famous "from thin air" posts.
i don't know, i guess the thoughts i really have on my mind are my inability to "go and do (you're welcome, LDS people)" it seems like i just cannot stand up for myself, i can't do anything i want or say anything i want because i'm always worried about the outcome: what exactly are the reprocussions going to be? i guess i'm just really really worried about rejection. and i always have been; for example i had to ask at least three other people if my very first girlfriend liked me before i tried to hold her hand or anything. it's just always something that i've lived with and i guess is who i am. but now, since i'm a big boy adult that should demand to have things his way, i'm getting in trouble for not doing those things. there's so many questions that need asking right now, there's so many things that i really need resolved in order to move on and i just can't. because deep down, i think that i think of myself as worthless. good for nothing. and i really don't know why. it's even weird typing this, because that's the first time i've thought of this this way, but i guess it's true. i think that i've been kicked around a couple of times and i'm letting it hold me back from what needs to be said. and maybe part of it is that i have so much to lose, that my ego has been bruised (barely) and i don't want that to happen again. i don't know! it's just... a weird thought that came across my head today.
so i guess what i need to do is realize how stupid these thoughts are and grow a pair. take what i want. because that's really what's best for me!...
right?
thank you, i love you all.
-michael howell.
it's late, like.. 1:15ish, and i just can't sleep. i don't know what's going on, my internal clock must be out of batteries or something, but i'm just lying awake here, going through every thought that pops into my head with so much detail and scrutiny that i literally cannot stop thinking.
so, once again, i have no idea what i want to write about. so here comes one of my famous "from thin air" posts.
i don't know, i guess the thoughts i really have on my mind are my inability to "go and do (you're welcome, LDS people)" it seems like i just cannot stand up for myself, i can't do anything i want or say anything i want because i'm always worried about the outcome: what exactly are the reprocussions going to be? i guess i'm just really really worried about rejection. and i always have been; for example i had to ask at least three other people if my very first girlfriend liked me before i tried to hold her hand or anything. it's just always something that i've lived with and i guess is who i am. but now, since i'm a big boy adult that should demand to have things his way, i'm getting in trouble for not doing those things. there's so many questions that need asking right now, there's so many things that i really need resolved in order to move on and i just can't. because deep down, i think that i think of myself as worthless. good for nothing. and i really don't know why. it's even weird typing this, because that's the first time i've thought of this this way, but i guess it's true. i think that i've been kicked around a couple of times and i'm letting it hold me back from what needs to be said. and maybe part of it is that i have so much to lose, that my ego has been bruised (barely) and i don't want that to happen again. i don't know! it's just... a weird thought that came across my head today.
so i guess what i need to do is realize how stupid these thoughts are and grow a pair. take what i want. because that's really what's best for me!...
right?
thank you, i love you all.
-michael howell.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)